Keefe To The City

Sep 27, 2012

Scorecard Memory: Cowbell Fight and Mystery Outs All Over

Sheriff Tom goes back to April 25, 1996 in Section 39 of Yankee Stadium for a Yankees-Indians game.

This is a recurring series of recollections, where I will be marching though my old scorecards from my halcyon days in good old Section 39 of the Yankee Stadium bleachers. You’re invited to join me. Please bring beer.

April 25, 1996: Yankees host the Cleveland Indians

Ah, a Thursday night at the Stadium, and I was right back at it. Weekday or not, I was drinking again, as judged by the squiggles and slashes that make up this scorecard. Fun fact: the Yankees and Baltimore were fighting it out for the division and Boston was languishing in the rear with a disgusting 6-16 record. They should have been ashamed. The more things change…

Not much here, and I promise not to simply try to get blood out of a stone. This should be a rather rapid effort and you should be in and out of here quickly!

I see we mentioned “Jerkin’ Joe Girardi-o” on this card. This was probably not simply tossed to the field from our perch, it may even be a nod to our good friend Bad Mouth Larry, who in the past had asked me to look for random Girardi mentions on the card, as that is what we were calling Larry in early days. If you have or had been around to see this guy morph from “Joe Girardi” to BAD MOUTH LARRY you have had a hell of a ride. Seeing that Joe Girardi was not in the Yankees lineup that night, I can probably safely say “Hi, Larry!”

At 7:23 p.m. they had still not read the lineups for the 7:35 start, which caused someone to crack that they were probably trying to find one of the ticket guys to do the job (the ticket guys were notorious for opening the windows for daily game sales a few minutes late for no particular reason). Talk turned to fare from around the league, particularly on how the Twins had battered Tiger pitching for 35 runs in the last two days. Stuff like that was always a cause for chuckle. I was happy to rat out our bleacher friend Crazy Dave, who had been spotted on the A train in a Pittsburgh Pirates cap, which has yet to be explained, these 16 years later. Queen Bee Tina used this to call out our friend Jeff, who she swore she saw once in Central Park in a Mets jacket! “He saw me coming and he ran away!” she snarled, adding that she tried in vain to chase him down.

Brian Setzer, best known for fronting the Stray Cats, sang the National Anthem or a reasonable facsimile of such. Not everyone saw it that way as someone howled, “Arrest that man for murder! He just killed the crowd!” Yet another fan cracked, “He’s a stray cat … he licks his own balls!” After Setzer slinked off the field to polite applause and a smattering of boos an “Italian skier” came out to throw the first pitch. To commemorate this fact I wrote on the card, “Some Italian skier throws out the first pitch, then eats pasta.” And yes, I happen to be half-Italian and I’ve had my share.

Ah, a cowbell battle raged on this night. A random fan bought his own cowbell, and it got him into fisticuff action. As Gang Bang Steve described it on the scorecard, “First he got the point … then he got the fist.” We’ve all been there. Someone had accosted him for encroaching on the legendary cowbell man Ali Ramirez’s turf, an argument ensued, and a finger was pointed, followed by the punch. Both combatants were tossed for their troubles and for our entertainment. For the record Ali rang his first cowbell serenade at 7:35 p.m. and sadly, less than a month later, he would no longer be with us.

I see here I dropped a beer, which was known as the “Five Dollar Fumble” back then. That always sucked, but hey, it sucks more in 2012 with prices of beer being what they are.

After a spirited “Mets suck!” chant someone snidely asked, “What do they suck?” and Tina snapped, “They suck everything!” Ah, she has never changed. One funny line I see on here was directed at someone running (lets assume it was a player on the field as there was not much running room out there in Section 39). “Run, you lanky ass!” someone howled. LOL at “lanky.”

Mystery outs all over this thing. For the unencumbered we would scroll “MO” for any play that whoever was scoring at the time failed to witness. Alarmingly, this happened way to often. I’m quite embarrassed at my behavior seeing them all over this card. One MO in the first, one in the second, two in the third (along with a mystery “HIT”), two more in the fourth, another mystery HIT in the fifth, two more MOs in the sixth, another two in the seventh and the entire ninth was a mystery. I guess we gave up by then. It wasn’t just me, Gang Bang takes some of the blame for this as we were passing the card back and forth like a peace pipe.

I see I was missing outs here and there, but still had time to scroll down the classic line we’d howl after a particularly impressive pop-up in the infield: ”Hey, if you were at the carnival you would have won a stuffed animal with that!” Another fun “pop-up” joke was, “That would have been a home run in a silo!”

I guess the Knicks had a big game or something on that night as “Knicks by 19” is written on here in a messy scrawl. The only other things of note on here are a “Hit him in the head!” command written next to Hall of Famer Eddie Murray’s name and a “You f-cking punk!” written next to that of Manny Ramirez. It’s also been noted for history that some guy named Dave (who may or may not have been my brother) purchased cotton candy.

The Yankees dropped this one to the Tribe 4-3 with Andy Pettitte taking his first loss on the young season, getting spanked for 11 hits in seven-plus innings of work before Bob Wickman and Steve Howe came in to shut it down. Howe got his ERA down to 7.36 with his sterling work. Old friend JERK (Jack) McDowell started for the Indians. He kept his finger to himself and though the Indians won thankfully he didn’t get the win. That accolade went to Jim Poole. We also saw Julian Tavarez and that dope Jose Mesa toe the slab for Cleveland. Martinez had the sole Yankees homer, and he and Jim Leyritz each had a pair of the Yankees hits. Here is your full Yankee lineup on that eve.

1. Wade Boggs, 3B
2. Bernie Williams, CF
3. Paul O’Neill, RF
4. Ruben Sierra, DH
5. Tino Martinez, 1B
6. Tim Raines, LF
7. Jim Leyritz, C
8. Andy Fox, 2B
9. Derek Jeter, SS

For the Indians, Julio Franco notched three hits, and Eddie Murray, Sandy Alomar and Omar Vizquel each had a pair. Albert “Joey” Belle homered, as he always did against the Yankees. It seems he also made an error, which I’m sure went over great with the crowd. Your Indians lineup shaped up like this:

1. Kenny Lofton, CF
2. Julio Franco, DH
3. Carlos Baerga, 2B
4. Albert Belle, LF
5. Eddie Murray, 1B
6. Manny Ramirez, RF
7. Sandy Alomar, C
8. Scott Leius, 3B
9. Omar Vizquel, SS

For a profile lets go with Yonkers, N.Y. native Scott Leius, who went 0-for-4 in this game with a whiff.

Leius haunted the league from 1990-99, wearing the colors of the Twins, Indians (only 27 games, all in ‘96) and Royals. A nifty .244 lifetime batting average, with a mere 28 home runs and 172 RBIs in 557 games of action. He stole one more base than he was caught stealing, at a 16-15 mark. Sketchy. He walked 161 times and struck out 236, nothing askew there. He played all over the place, but mostly was ensconced at short and third. He did log some outfield action (which made it easier to yell at him from bleacher seats) and a few stops at first base. He was born in 1965 and was a 13^th-round pick the very month I graduated from high school (I will let you guys look that up) by the Twins out of Concordia College, which actually sports four MLB alumni. His Baseball-Reference page has a low 8,839 views as of today, which to me seems limited to friends, family and me. That said, I’m quite happy I got to see this man ply his trade!

As for the game, it was played in front of the scant crowd of 18,580 (which should show some of us Yankee fans that are laughing at Baltimore fans coming out of the woodwork that this was nothing new around baseball) and went off in three hours and seven minutes. Your umpires on the night were Mike Reilly (HP), Terry Craft (1B), Rich Garcia (2B) and Gary Cederstrom (3B). They were booed.

Blogs

Sep 21, 2012

NFL Week 3 Picks

It’s Week 3 of the NFL season and it’s time for more picks despite an embarrassing performance last week.

I always wonder how veteran players on teams that are mathematically eliminated from the postseason (like the Red Sox, Mets and Phillies) get up for games in September when Game 162 and the finish line and the six-month offseason are in sight. Why not just swing at every pitch and give away at-bats? Sure, there’s the whole “integrity of the game” idea when you’re facing teams in contention, but come on, how do Dustin Pedroia and David Wright not just want to get home and forget about 2012? The answer is they probably do, but they are just good at hiding it.

I bring up that idea because I’m not sure where to find the energy and motivation after Week 2 beat the crap out of me like the members of the Free World beating up Rabbit in 8 Mile. Last week I wrote about how I wasn’t expecting a spectacular Week 2, but just something serviceable to keep me afloat so that I could figure out the league without falling too far behind. So much for that plan. I’m keeping these picks short and sweet and right to the point because clearly logic and theories aren’t working out.

Week 3 … let’s go!

(Home team in caps)

NEW YORK GIANTS +3 over Carolina
Well, I finally hit a Wednesday/Thursday game. (This pick was made on Twitter on Thursday.)

St. Louis +7.5 over CHICAGO
I picked the Bears on Thursday Night Football against the Packers last week. How did the Bears reward me? Well, here’s Charles Woodson Jay Cutler to let you know how the game went.

“Heard some talk out of the Bears: Packers secondary not working coverage, bigger receivers … we heard about it. We understand that Jay is excited about his new weapons, but it’s the same-old Jay. We don’t need luck; Jay will throw us the ball.”

It’s going to be a while until I trust Jay Cutler again. Not that I ever really did anyway.

DALLAS -8 over Tampa Bay
I don’t think the Cowboys are as good as they were on Opening Night at MetLife. I also don’t think the Buccaneers are as bad as they were in blowing the game on Sunday at MetLife. I also don’t think the Buccaneers are good, and it’s the Cowboys’ home opener. That’s how I got to this pick.

San Francisco -7 over MINNESOTA
I’m going to re-write what I wrote about the 49ers last week just so I can see it on paper and let it settle in that I could really think this.

“It can’t be good that I think the best team in the NFL is the one whose quarterback is Alex Smith.”

Detroit -3.5 over TENNESSEE
The Titans have been outscored 72-32 in the first two weeks. How is this line only 3.5?

Cincinnati +3 over WASHINGTON
The Redskins were supposed to get blown out at the SuperDome in Week 1, but instead they “upset” the Saints. I say “upset” because aside from the line, it wasn’t much of an upset. Then the Redskins lost to the Rams, while the Saints lost to the Panthers who were just embarrassed at home by the Giants’ backup offense. The Redskins might not be as good as their Week 1 win suggests because the Saints might not be good at all. But it’s going to take Vegas and the public a few weeks to realize this and then the Redskins will be the Redskins again. (My friend Ray, a Redskins fan, is probably going to punch me in the face on Friday night when I see him for ripping the Redskins for a third straight week.)

New York Jets -2.5 over MIAMI
I don’t think blowing out Carson Palmer and the Raiders is really that much of an accomplishment for the Dolphins, but I guess any win for them in 2012 can be considered an accomplishment since they should be right there for the No. 1 pick in draft. Well, unless Brandon Weeden has something to say about it.

I picked against the Jets and they won by 20. I picked the Jets and they lost by 17. They have handed me two losses this season. I’m going with them here for what might be the last time in 2012.

Kansas City +8.5 over NEW ORLEANS
It’s very possible that we’re a week away from the Saints starting to be part of the “Do I Really Have to Pick This Game of the Week?”

Buffalo -3 over CLEVELAND
The “Do I Really Have To Pick This Game?” of the week. I do have to pick it? OK. Go Bills!

INDIANAPOLIS -3 over Jacksonville
Andrew Luck covered for me last week at home, so I have to go with the hot hand, right? That and I can’t convince myself to take Blaine Gabbert for a second time in three weeks even if he covered for me that first time.

ARIZONA +3.5 over Philadelphia
Am I really picking a starting quarterback who started the year backing up a quarterback from Fordham and who is playing against his former team that didn’t want him? Yes. Yes, I am.

Atlanta +3 over SAN DIEGO
These might be the two non-NFC East, non-Patriots, non-Jets teams that I hate the most. I went against everything I believe in by bacon Philip Rivers last week (and it worked), but that was a one-time deal.

Houston -2 over DENVER
For the first time this season I’m going to pick against Peyton Manning. It feels weird and I don’t want to, but the Texans have left me no choice with two convincing covers in the first two weeks. Sorry, Peyton. I hope we can still be friends.

Pittsburgh -4 over OAKLAND
The Raiders lost for me in Week 1. The Raiders lost for me in Week 2. I’m not about to let them lose for me in Week 3. Enough is enough.

BALTIMORE -3 over New England
This isn’t so much about me thinking Baltimore will win and cover as it is me wanting New England to lose. If the Patriots lose, they will be 1-2 and if you thought this Wes Welker nonsense was media overkill, wait until the AFC favorites lose back-to-back games this early in the season. I can’t wait to read The Boston Globe and the Boston Herald on Monday.

Green Bay -3.5 over SEATTLE
I wanted to take Seattle last week at home against Dallas, and I didn’t, and I lost. I want to take Seattle this week against Green Bay, but I’m not going to.

Last Week: 5-10-1
Season: 12-19-1

Blogs

Sep 13, 2012

NFL Week 2 Picks

It’s Week 2 of the NFL season and the picks only get harder from here.

Can you have a must-win game in Week 2? Yes, you can because the Giants do.

After this week’s game against the Buccaneers, the Giants play the Panthers on Thursday Night Football, and after that, it’s all downhill schedule-wise except for Week 5 against Brandon Weeden’s Browns. After Week 3, they will have five NFC East games left, seven games against 2011 playoff team and then of course the Browns in Week 5. (For some reason I have this feeling that Weeden won’t be the Browns’ quarterback by Week 5.)

I have gotten over last week’s Opening Night disaster though the Yankees are trying their best to keep me down and I have moved on to the Buccaneers, who are one of only three “easy” games on the Giants’ schedule now that it appears the Redskins are for real for the first time since 2007.

Last week, I warned about what happens for the Week 2 lines and how perception shifts and changes. It was only a week ago we thought the Giants would finally be an all-passing team, the Redskins still sucked, the Bills might finish a season with a playoff game, the Jets would be a joke and the Packers would be out to avenge their 15-1 season and early playoff exit. All of these things might still be true and could still happen, but all we have is one game and one week of play to go off of, as does Vegas.

I took plenty of tests in my day where I sat down, started reading through the questions and didn’t know the answer to a single one. I’m sure we all had this happen at one point. (Well, I hope I’m not the only one or I will feel terrible.) So what did I do? I started writing, made things wordy, made things up and put together a test full of 100-percent BS. I knew I wasn’t going to get an A on it, but I wasn’t looking for an A either. I was looking to salvage my grade and weather the storm and just survive the class and not fail. In Week 2, I’m not looking to go 15-1 or even 12-4. I’m trying to stay afloat until I can make more sense out of the 2012 season and how good or bad each team is.

Week 2 … let’s go!

(Home team in caps)

Chicago +5.5 over GREEN BAY
There are probably a lot of people that want their “Packers in the Super Bowl” predictions back right about now. Last year’s 15-1 and defending champion team doesn’t look like it’s back for 2012. The offensive line has holes and the defense let Alex Smith complete 20 of his 26 pass attempts and throw for two touchdowns and Frank Gore run for 112 yards on just 16 carries. And I don’t think we even need to get into the Packers’ running game and Cedric Benson.

Not only do the Packers not look like the team that went 15-1 and then lost their first playoff game, but they have now lost back-to-back games at Lambeau Field with the loss to the 49ers and the playoff loss to the Giants. Before the playoff loss in January, their last home loss was on Oct. 17, 2010 against the Dolphins in Week 6. Their last home loss before that? Nov. 1, 2009 against the Vikings in Week 8.

There’s a good chance the Packers make me pay for picking the Bears, but until they show me something in 2012, I can’t be giving away 5 1/2 points to a division rival.

NEW YORK GIANTS -7.5 over Tampa Bay
If the Giants can’t blow the Bucs out at home after a Week 1 embarrassment then I’m going to need a hobby this fall and winter if there’s no NHL.

NEW ENGLAND -14 over Arizona
If the Patriots were favored by 21 points in this one I would still take.

The last time the cardinals went to Foxboro, I took the Cardinals. They lost 47-7 to Matt Cassel’ Patriots. Sure, that was nearly four years ago and neither team is even close to being the same, but that loss scarred me when it comes to trusting the Cardinals away from home and like the Packers, the Patriots don’t lose at home (unless they’re playing the Giants.)

INDIANAPOLIS -1.5 over Minnesota
The “Do I Have To Pick This Game of the Week?” Last week we had two of these games with Seattle-Arizona and Carolina-Tampa Bay. Next week we have Buffalo-Cleveland and Jacksonville-Indianapolis. (It’s weird that because of one Redskins game I’m not putting the Washington-St. Louis game in this paragraph.)

New Orleans -3 over CAROLINA
Last year the difference between the Saints at home and the Saints on the road was like the difference between Tara Reid in 1999 and Tara Reid in 2009. But the Saints no longer seem to be the hot blonde in American Pie and are now that girl that was in American Pie, but had a liposculpting procedure that went wrong. Even though the Saints were embarrassed at home by the Redskins, the Panthers scored 10 points against the Buccaneers and I can’t erase that from my memory.

Kansas City +3 over BUFFALO
There’s a good chance that if this game were played in three more weeks it would be a “Do I Really Have to Pick This Game of the Week?” But because perception is that the Chiefs and Bills are supposed to be playoff bubble teams, this game isn’t ready to be classified as a joke yet. Then again, these teams allowed a combined 88 points last week, so maybe we’re already there.

Baltimore +2 over PHILADELPHIA
When I thought of Joe Flacco between the AFC Championship Game and Week 1, I thought of an old vet who just wasn’t good and that was because of ridiculous facial hair last season. I still knew he was a 27-year-old who had been to two AFC Championship Games, but that facial hair really screwed with my head. All offseason I kept hearing about how he was going to have a big year and could receive “elite” status and I laughed because of his appearance and not his abilities. Then on Monday Night Football he looks like 2008-2010 Joe Flacco, throws for 299 yards and two touchdowns.

Oh yeah, the Eagles beat the Browns by one point and Michael Vick threw four picks. Let me trust him right away!

Oakland -2.5 over MIAMI
The Raiders’ blocked punts kept me from an 8-8 record in Week 1 and for some stupid reason I’m going to pick them again. Well, maybe the reason isn’t that stupid … they’re playing the Dolphins.

CINCINNATI -7 over Cleveland
I could talk about how the Bengals are a 2011 playoff team coming off an embarrassing loss to the Ravens on Monday Night Football or how Andy Dalton will be out for revenge. But I’ll just talk about the only things that matters…

Brandon Weeden: 12-for-35, 118 yards, 0 TD, 4 INT, 5.1 QB Rating.

Houston -7.5 over JACKSONVILLE
I hate when people say, “The man who needs no introduction…” but then they give one anyway. Well, this pick needs no explanation, so I’m not going to give one.

Dallas -3 over SEATTLE
I don’t think the Cowboys are as good as they looked on Opening Night against the Giants, but I also know that there are passengers on the Russell Wilson hype train that are willing to jump off while it’s still moving.

Washington -3 over ST. LOUIS
I can already see a letdown game from the Redskins here and I’m fully prepared for it.

New York Jets +6 over PITTSBURGH
Is it ever a good idea to believe in the Jets, especially after a 20-point win that is most likely not indicative of what type of team they are at all? Of course not. Am I letting one game after an offseason full of chaos make me think differently? Of course I am.

SAN DIEGO -6 over Tennessee
I hate picking the Chargers ever, but I don’t really have a choice here.

SAN FRANCISCO -7 over Detroit
It can’t be good that I think the best team in the NFL is the one whose quarterback is Alex Smith.

Denver +3 over ATLANTA
Peyton Manning’s second week back and his second primetime game in as many weeks. After this game, Peyton still has another Monday Night game (Week 6 against San Diego), a Sunday Night game (Week 8 against the Saints) and a Thursday Night game (Week 14 against the Raiders). I will be taking him in all of them.

Last Week: 7-9-0
Season: 7-9-0

Blogs • Email Exchanges • Yankees

Sep 11, 2012

Yankees Bid Farewell to Fenway for Season

The Yankees and Red Sox meet for the final time at Fenway Park in 2012 for what should have been a huge series and that means it’s time for an email exchange with Mike Hurley.

This Yankees-Red Sox series at Fenway Park should have meant something for both teams. It should have been the biggest three games to date on both team’s schedules. Instead, what happens in Boston the next three nights only matters to the Yankees.

It’s weird that the Yankees and Red Sox will play a series in mid-September that should have had the same feeling as the postseason, but will now have the same feeling as the Yankees-Blue Jays series next week. With the Yankees fighting to maintain their AL East lead and the Red Sox fighting to get to the offseason in three weeks, Mike Hurley joined me for the second-to-last Yankees-Red Sox email exchange of 2012.

Keefe: If only this series had been played last week, it would have been a lot better. Not only because the Yankees wouldn’t have been losing to the Rays and Orioles in that case, but because you would have been more miserable to talk to about the Red Sox. Now with football in full swing and the Patriots demolishing the Titans, you’re probably in a good mood, and you probably haven’t watched a full Red Sox game since the Fourth of July weekend series. I will fill you in: the Red Sox suck.

Normally that would be a belligerent and intoxicated Yankee fan trying to win a war of drunken words, but right now they actually do suck. They are 63-78, in last place in the division and have lost 11 of 12. When I was in Atlantic City for Labor Day weekend, the Red Sox lost to the A’s 20-2! 20-2! And somehow I didn’t find out about this until eight days after it happened. I feel like I fell asleep on Dec. 23 and woke up on Dec. 26 and completely missed Christmas Eve and Christmas. When the Yankees got beat by the Indians 22-0 a few years back, there were T-shirt stands outside Fenway Park commemorating the brutal loss, and it wasn’t even at the hands of the Red Sox. I have a feeling there won’t be any 20-2 shirts with the line score written out.

The Yankees are in a weird spot. Their 10-game lead is now a one-game lead, and they split the season series with the Orioles. A month ago I was worried about the postseason rotation, but now I’m worried about winning each day just to get to the postseason.

That was the bad news. The good news is the Yankees have 22 games left and six of them are against Boston. This week was supposed to a meaningful series when the schedule came out and then it looked like it would be meaningless at the beginning of August, but now it’s meaningful again (well, for the Yankees). While the Yankees are playing the Red Sox, the Orioles and Rays will be playing and since someone in that series has to lose, the Yankees have a chance to create separation thanks to the worst team in baseball.

Is there any possible way the Yankees don’t win at least two of three games this week? And should they feel embarrassed if they don’t sweep?

Hurley: I watched the entirety of that 20-2 game, and I reveled in it. It was a glorious evening.

At this point, I enjoy watching the Red Sox finding new ways to fail. Whether it’s serving up grand slams to Josh Reddick, or making Brandon Moss look like Babe Ruth, or having the manager melt down on live radio, the Red Sox are just awesome. I never knew I’d enjoy this level of failure so much. But boy is it hilarious.

Now, you’re asking me about the Yankees, I guess, which makes sense because they’re a real, major league-caliber baseball team. I was confused at first why you were emailing me about the Yankees until I remembered that they’re actually coming to Boston this week. I honestly forgot. Like you said, it’s football season, so much so that what should be the best home series of the year has become a complete afterthought in Boston.

To answer your question, yes, the Yankees should not only feel embarrassed if they don’t sweep, but they should probably just quit and excuse themselves from the playoff race. The Red Sox just got swept by the Blue Jays. They were outscored 20-12 in the series. They were swept in back-to-back series by the Angels and A’s, getting outscored (wait for it … ) 58-16 in those six games (average score: 10-3). They have the same number of wins in September as the New England Patriots, despite having seven more chances. They let Omar Vizquel drive in two runs – including the game-winner – on Sunday. He’s old enough to be Derek Jeter’s dad. They are 32-41 at Fenway Park. They bat Scott Podsednik and Pedro Ciriaco and Ryan Kalish at the top of the lineup, and when asked to explain his lineup choices, the manager utters some curse word and a flippant remark, literally telling the world, “I really couldn’t care less about my lineup.”

So you tell me, will it be embarrassing to not sweep this team?

Keefe: Yes, it will be embarrassing. But while other teams have an easy time with the Red Sox, it seems like they could let you start a game and the Yankees would have trouble winning. That’s just the way Yankees-Red Sox series seem to go.

The other day I read the Tom Verducci cover story in Sports Illustrated about the Red Sox, hoping for some new info or some great behind-the-scenes story that would cause even more problems and more turmoil for the Red Sox entering the offseason. But there was no new information in the story. I guess since I have spent the last five months reading every Boston media outlet religiously to make sure I don’t miss out on anything there was really nothing new for me to learn. Unless we find out that Bobby V has been doing drugs during the seventh-inning stretch or that the bullpen has been running a prostitution ring out of the clubhouse, there is really nothing left to be discovered about the Red Sox.

The only thing that really stood out to me in that story was how out of touch with the city of Boston and reality Larry Lucchino is. He had several quotes in the story telling Red Sox fans how to act and how to accept the team’s fate and the idea of rebuilding period. But if I’m correct, your city has been calling for a rebuilding period since last year and it wasn’t until a few weeks ago when they undid everything Theo Epstein had done that the ownership group finally realized. I haven’t seen a positive thing written or heard one said about Lucchino in at least five years unless it was because he forced a Globe writer to portray him in a positive light.

Boston sports fans hate A-Rod and Peyton Manning and LeBron James and the Canadiens and Canucks organizations, but has there ever been anyone involved with a Boston team that has been hated as much as Larry Lucchino is?

Hurley: Jose Offerman, for one. He was just the worst. In terms of non-players, Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs was pretty much hated for decades before they won the Cup in 2011. Even then, he was booed at the banner-raising celebration by some fans who will never forgive him for his tight wallet in the pre-lockout days.

But yeah, Larry Lucchino has always been pretty transparently phony. Only a truly blind Sox lover would look at Lucchino with googly eyes and say, “Gee, whiz, Larry, you’re really the cat’s pajamas.” Nothing is really new here. I remember reading “Feeding The Monster” by Seth Mnookin and noticing that it put a pretty solid smear job on Kevin Millar, for no real reason. I wasn’t in the media or anything at that point, just a college kid reading a book, and it was obvious that that was how Lucchino operates.

So yes, to try to tell fans how they will respond to front office decisions is hilarious, considering Theo Epstein uttered the words “bridge year” a few years ago and the front office went into DEFCON 1 to diffuse the situation. And what do we have to show for it? John Lackey! Way to solve that one.

Lucchino is correct in saying fans will be more open to a rebuilding-type year, because we’ve seen this team fall flat on its face for a while now. It was a bad mix of big-money guys, and there’s plenty of blame to go around, from Theo to Larry to John Henry to Ben Cherington to whoever else was involved in any decision for the past four years, things got ugly, and it’s going to take some time for them to crawl out of it. Knowing Larry said it’s OK to feel that way makes me feel even better though!

Keefe: We started talking about Bobby Valentine the day he was hired when no one other than Larry Lucchino thought it was a good idea. Well, I thought it was a good idea from a Yankee fan perspective hoping that it would be a disaster, but never did I think it would have been this much of a disaster. I figured the Red Sox would bounce back from September 2011 and just be good again and it wouldn’t matter if Terry Francona or Bobby Valentine or the delivery guy from Big Daddy’s in Boston that looks like Steve Buscemi’s character in Airheads and only wears Bruins apparel were the manager.

I’m scared that the Red Sox are going to fire Valentine. That would mean someone competent would take over the team and that would mean that the Red Sox would be in a better position than they are currently in. Though I do think the Red Sox aren’t going to get their first postseason win since 2008 for several more years now that after Game 162 this year they won’t have a left fielder, right fielder, shortstop or first baseman, and their rotation consists of two guys that have pitched a full season in the majors and one of those guys gets hurt every years.

What happens to your favorite sports figure of the last decade in Bobby V at the end of this year? I can’t imagine he will be back, but then again I never could have imagined that a team would trade all of their players instead of changing their manager and the Red Sox did that, so nothing would surprise me at this point. Please bring back Bobby V!

Hurley: Wow. It’s pretty disrespectful for you to mention the delivery guy from Big Daddy’s in Boston that looks like Steve Buscemi’s character in Airheads and only wears Bruins apparel, because you are pretty much single-handedly responsible for him losing his job when you moved to New York and stopped ordering from Big Daddy’s every day. That guy was a legend.

But yeah, he could manage the Red Sox better than Bob V. Nobody is crazy enough to pin all the blame on Valentine; he inherited a team with problems. But he definitely made things worse. There’s no reason for the Boston Red Sox to be this bad.On whether he’ll be back, it’s weird. On the one hand, you have to fire him, because he says things like “Who cares?” and “What does it matter?” at press conferences, and he acts like a lunatic on the radio, and he forces Alfredo Aceves to fly commercial across the country, then forces him to pitch in four out of five games for 125 pitches, and so on and so forth. It’s a bad joke that he’s still employed, and it’s an even worse joke that he’s due $2.5 million next year. Two-and-a-half million!! Cue the “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!” clip.

All that being said, a part of me thinks, why wouldn’t he be back? Valentine is exactly the nut I expected him to be. If they hired him in the first place, are they really going to fire him simply for coming as advertised?

I’d hope they’re smart enough to recognize they made an awful error in judgment last winter by firing him this October, but if I told you I was 100 percent confident in that happening, I’d be lying.

Keefe: I keep hearing Red Sox fans and media members debate about Jason Varitek becoming the next Red Sox manager and I think the only thing better than Bobby V would be Varitek. He’s one year removed from being the captain of a team that experienced the worst September collapse in baseball history and played with most of the guys on the team. The age separation and difference isn’t that of someone like Joe Girardi, who only played with Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte, and no one is going to tell them what to do regardless of age.

If Bobby V is out, I can only hope they bring in an inexperienced friend and pal of guys on the team responsible for Terry Francona being fired, Theo Epstein leaving town and the trade of their No. 2 starter, left fielder and first baseman. Unless you think those first two things happened because of those three guys.

If Bobby V is out, who do you want in? Does it even matter?

Hurley: I can’t even follow the things you say, that’s how crazy you are with giddiness.

They should let David Ortiz be MLB’s first player-manager-general manager. His first move as a triple threat would be to sign himself to the four-year contract he feels he deserves. That’d be a good start.

I really don’t care who manages the team next year. A lot of people are excited about John Farrell, but I don’t understand that one. Cherington’s choice last year was apparently Dale Sveum, who is exciting as a bag of old rocks and had the Cubs out of the playoff picture by June. I’ve heard the Mike Scioscia rumors, and I’ll just say that if Mike Scioscia manages the Red Sox, I’m moving to Toronto and I’ll stop following baseball. But BOY, OH BOY the Red Sox would get from first to third more often!

Keefe: Not only would they be the best team at going first to third, but they would also be the best fundamentally sound team in the majors. That’s not an opinion. That’s a fact. Mike Scioscia’s teams don’t make errors or baserunning blunders. They also haven’t been in the playoffs since 2009 and they have played in a four-team division and have played 36 games combined against the A’s and Mariners the last few years. But who cares about that? Mike Scioscia is the best manager in baseball and a genius!

It kind of sucks that the Red Sox suck. Don’t get me wrong, I loved every second of them being in last place and seeing entire sections of Fenway Park without people in the seats while the organization chases a sellout streak that isn’t real. But this series should have been important for both teams and not just the Yankees. (I can’t actually believe I’m saying any of this.) I just miss the idea of waiting all day for a meaningful Yankees-Red Sox game or traveling up to Boston for a regular season game that has a postseason feel. I have a feeling I won’t be seeing one of those for at least five more years given the Red Sox’ current state.

Now that the Patriots have started your attention is on a quest for the Patriots’ first Super Bowl since 2004 and since Gary Bettman is a horrible person it doesn’t look like we will get to talk hockey this season unless you recently became a labor lawyer and want to talk about collective bargaining agreements. It’s sad that you have to turn to other sports right now and don’t care about baseball right now as much as you should because you can’t. What is going to take for the Red Sox to win you back in 2013?

Hurley: It is sad, but it’s not like it’s entirely new. I mean, the Yankees crapped the bed in their final year at the REAL Stadium, and even I was kind of bummed about that. And the era of the Red Sox being equal with the Yankees really only began nine years ago, so it’s not like we haven’t been here before. It does feel strange though.

For me to care about the Red Sox again, they’re going to have to make smart baseball decisions. Dumping Beckett and Crawford was a good start, even if it meant giving up a steady bat and glove in Gonzalez. In free agency, they need to go more the Cody Ross route than the Crawford/Lackey route. They need a manager who hates the media and the spotlight and can keep his frigging mouth shut. They need honesty from ownership (which has only happened once, when John Henry invaded Felger & Mazz, but will never happen again). They probably need lower ticket prices too. It costs $75 to sit way up in left field foul territory higher than the Monster seats and farther from the field. That BS just isn’t going to fly for a last place team.

I don’t think the last two things will happen, but the reality is, if they can just get back to baseball and stop inundating us all with the over-the-top marketing garbage, everyone here will be much happier. Oh. They also need to stop playing Sweet Caroline. I’ve been at Fenway this year when they were losing something like 18-3 to the Rangers. So many dopes were happily singing that awful song that I nearly started ninja kicking everyone in my section. It is the greatest embarrassment in sports.

Keefe: I take it you didn’t buy a Fenway brick or that CD that included Kevin Millar and David Ortiz sing-alongs?

So with the Giants and Patriots not playing each other unless they reach the Super Bowl, which is a situation I know you’re petrified of, and the NHL looking like they are ready to say “Eff You!” to the fans for the second time in eight years, this might be the second-to-last-time we talk via an email exchange in 2012, and maybe it’s better that way. I don’t know how much one person can take of Mike Hurley, but I think I have reached my limit.

The Yankees and Red Sox meet one more time to close out the season in Games 160, 161 and 162 of the regular season. When the schedule came out I didn’t sleep for two weeks thinking about the implications those three games might have. Now they have different implications since the Orioles and Rays will be playing each other those three days and it will likely mean the division, one-game playoff or nothing for the Yankees. I’ll talk to you on Oct. 1.

Hurley: Talk to you later, but if the Giants and Patriots make the Super Bowl, delete this email address.

Blogs

Sep 11, 2012

The First Game Back at Yankee Stadium After 9/11

Sheriff Tom goes back to September 25, 2001 in Section 39 of Yankee Stadium for the first game at the Stadium after September 11.

Of all the countless things I wrote, and all the nonsense I have spewed, I am most proud of the following piece. I wrote this in September 2001, in a much different place than I am now, and certainly in a different mindset. What a sad, bleak time it appeared. The Bleacher family was relied on heavily to get through the pain of that month, and it’s when the family really came together. I pull this out every 9/11. I hope you read and remember what ended up being a very special night at a very sad time.

September 25, 2001.

Well, I suppose it’s time to return to some degree of normalcy. These last few weeks I have sat perched at my computer between rampant attempts at sketchy levity and consistent checks of porno, trying to find something funny to write, and I couldn’t. Some would argue I never could.

Our world changed on the 11th, even the little part of it that we call being a “Bleacher Creature.” Although my zest for caustic commentary has died a bit, my love for so many of you have grown. And when I remember back to that stupid, horrible day decades from now I will remember so many of you and how this little family of ours pulled together. From the postings on the message board, looking frantically for our own, to crying silently together in a sea of beer cans, to going out for drinks with those we used to only drink to avoid, many things have changed amongst ourselves.

People who have not spoken anything but angry words to one another all season took the time to say, “I love you.” Subsequently the things I will take away from this are not simply the horror of seeing people limp down Broadway, screaming and bawling and covered in dust, but rather standing in Union Square in front of a sea of candles with 41 and Gang Bang Steve, paying silent tribute while holding back tears. Or how, thanks to the benevolence of Lucy and her family, being able to hug the likes of Kwik, Debbie, Phil, “Fat Rak” Scott, Nicole and Jess, Bald Ray, Brooklyn Joe and Midget Mike at the Memorial held inside of Yankee Stadium a couple of sad Sundays back.

That said, I will try and be funny I guess, and take it back to our return two weeks later against Tampa Bay, who I may add is a team that really, really sucks.

Usually, the top of each night’s scorecard is reserved for campy lines such as “Knoblauch was eating a salad in the park” or “Tom is so drunk he asked Tina to sleep with him,” but on that night, after much fiddling, we went with a simple “We pray for the lost, and love those who are still here.”

Before making it inside we saw that our park, the place where we drank and peed, copped feels and passed smokes on the rocks, was now a veritable police precinct with a police van taking up the very space where I used to make sandcastles with neighborhood kids and duck rocks we would throw straight up in the air and try to avoid in a stupid game of chance.

We hankered over to the bodega, where the only drinking going on so far was by Gang Bang Steve, who was waving around a bottle without a bag, loudly pontificating on the month’s events. Bald Vinny and Uptown Mike were crouched on the sidewalk, gleefully mixing birthday drinks for the Bald Baron. One year ago on that very same day I was running around the section in a gorilla costume at Donahuge’s behest, making stupid muscle poses and nabbing hugs from any woman I could find. Bald Vinny ended up hopping on the benches that night, doing a rousing “Rick Rude” routine, peeling off his shirt to a rousing choir of hoots and howls from a playful crowd. How times had changed, even in our silly little section.

Getting in was “evolution slow.” Security was checking to make sure cell phones were really phones, sniffing bottled water, and waving a little magician wand that didn’t seem to really do anything because it didn’t beep at the silly Sheriff’s badge now hidden in my pocket, which I knew set off the same thing the time I went to court to answer that horrid peeing in public charge.

The night obviously began with ceremonies, the same things we had seen as Yankee fans so many times. It was touching, but the crowd was already itching to make the sadness go away, even for a little while. Big Tone Capone was loud and boisterous, as somehow earlier he had managed to kill at least a six-pack under the smothering phalanx of cops around outside. During the opening songs he was busy telling this guy to take off his cap or that girl to stop chewing gum. Finally a few of the testy ones in the crowd told him to shut it, and here we were again, fighting amongst ourselves. It was actually nice to see.

We found out there will be an addition to Monument Park, a memorial to “those who perished in the WTC tragedy.” I had always held a secret hope the next monument would hold my Sheriff’s badge, Ali’s plaque, Milton’s cowbell, Walkman John’s scorebook or a few beers. (Funny how some bleacher fantasies never work out.)

I knew things had come full circle and really changed around the time Old Man Jimmy went down by the rail to take a picture of our flag-adorned and glory-bedecked crew. Our nemesis, Old Man 176 (a cranky guy with No. 176 on his hat, which made him look even less imposing than he actually was) who was the Riddler to our Batman and the Gargamel to our Smurf came over almost angrily. We started to rise in protest, ready to howl, as he angrily stalked towards this genial old man and his camera on the rail. But alas! He arrived, demanded Old Man Jimmy give him the camera, so he could take the picture so Jimmy could rejoin the crew, his bleacher family and be in the picture, as he should.

The finale to the pregame was our old friend, the Eagle, who swoops down on Opening Day to land on the mound in a fervent blaze of glory. Unfortunately, a sad announcement was made that although the Eagle was in attendance he was not signing autographs until after the game. No, that was not the announcement. Actually, they were “grounding him” on the mound, as a tribute to those who fell at WTC. He would do no flying. Too bad none of us heard the announcement because Capone was talking so loud, so at the end of the Anthem everyone was craning their necks towards the Stadium roof waiting for it to fly in, while the Eagle was already doing a little hop around on the mound the whole time. But the ceremonies were now at an end and as Gang Bang Steve wrote on the scorecard, “No explanation for pre-game events. If you weren’t here, you missed history.” But here I am trying to recount it anyway.

There were further delays as all the uniformed firemen and cops left the field, which caused a few of us who wanted that sense of normalcy to tell Cowbell King Milton to start clanking his tool of tin. Milton hemmed and hawed, but finally acquiesced, and started banging his cowbell and at that very moment the Yankees took the field, and that seemed fitting enough to us. Usually when Milton bangs the bell out of nowhere, a booming “Tom Tom” drum goes off, stealing his thunder, but this time the Yankees took the field to a raucous “Ho!”

When it came time to do the vaunted Roll Call, we hastily added the FDNY, NYPD and Mayor Rudy to it, and it seemed to go over well, including the mayor giving a quick wave from the radio booth. Our own Rudy, the security maven that was a dead ringer for the mayor now up in the booth was greeted with “Great job with the city!” and “Four more years!” every time he walked up to the section to tell people to stop using expletives.

But what proved the Creatures were indeed back were the loud harangues of “Box seats suck! Box seats suck!” immediately following Roll Call. Man, did that feel good. The box seaters, still very emotional from the pregame, were appalled. Hollers of “Mind your business!” and some more racy stuff were hollered up at the nosy upper-deckers and mezzaniners, who stuck their noses in to see what all the hubbub was about in Section 39 and its nearby reaches.

Around this time the joke line of the night made its appearance. Milton, from his comfy perch on the rail, asked aloud, “Does anyone know for sure if Stacker 2 works?” Remembering someone who took the stuff I said, “Ask (insert fat bleacher guy here) … he took it.” Milton took one look at our still portly friend and said, “Forget it. It doesn’t work.”

More lunacy abounded as Jonathan pulled out a portable TV out of nowhere and started setting up shop. First off, this was a night people couldn’t get a tuna fish sandwich, a purse or even an ugly woman in due to heightened security, but he gets in a freakin’ television! Go figure. Anyway, why does he have this TV? To see the tribute we just recanted? To see what else is going on around the league or down at Ground Zero? No, he brought a TV to see the season premiere of JAG. I mean, Lord.

Gang Bang Steve could not let this go, and immediately began giving it to him, which prompted Jonathan’s mom to call him “jealous.” “Yeah,” Gang Bang snapped, “I’m jealous of a guy who brings a TV to a baseball game to watch JAG.”

Roger Clemens started getting whomped early on, prompting Steve to call the proceedings on the field “odorous.” But the emotion stayed high. There were other moments of levity, including an “Osama Is a Horse’s Ass” song, a few “Taliban sucks!” chants and a message on the Fan Marquee that actually said, “Thanks for the Liver Transplant! You Saved a Life!!!” (And yes, it had three exclamation points.) On top of this, and I have no idea what the actual conversation was about at the time, but the buzzing birthday boy Bald Vinny actually used the words “Gazelle” and “Perk” in a 10-second span.

Of course, in the time of mourning “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” was replaced around the league by all sorts of versions of “God Bless America.” On this night here at Yankee Stadium it was a duet, with a deep voiced operatic guy joining an angelic-toned woman. Of course, this could not escape a joke. After the woman sweetly crooned the first bars, the deep male voice kicked in, prompting Midget Mike to feign ignorance by asking aloud, “How did she get her voice to do that?” Water Girl Debbie, who God bless her, spent so many nights volunteering at a crisis center, properly confirmed the event as a simple “change of octaves.”

It wouldn’t be the bleachers without a couple of fights amongst the group, but being I was in a glad-handing mood and extra friendly due to pregame ales, I didn’t partake in any for once. Turns out the night’s undercard featured “Superfan” Handel and Bad Mouth Larry, followed up by a doozie of a main event between Cowbell Milton and Crazy Pat.

But what it was all about for me (besides the fact it was very cold and I needed all the hugs I was able to score from the girls) was near the end, when a man in a Fire Department uniform leaned over the rail of the mezzanine with his young son in his arms. As he gazed out, a man who I knew must have lost a score of people he knew, his little son was removing his hat and putting it back on all askew. Over and over. Knowing this was a scene that should have been repeated by so many men who were lost made me mist up a bit, all over again. And then the chant began. “FDNY! FDNY! FDNY!” Everyone left in the seats at this late stage of the game hopped up, pointed to this man and chanted, touched their hearts, waved their flags, cried. And he smiled, and waved back, and this kid that was oblivious to it all continued to play with the hat.

And that is what I will take away from this night.

Thank you for reading, and God bless you all.