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An Old Man Fell Down the Stairs in the Bleachers

Sheriff Tom tells about how he became a Bleacher Creature at Yankee Stadium and what happened to change the way he used his scorecards during games in Section 39.

It all started because an old guy fell down the stairs. Thankfully, he wasn’t hurt. If he was, I would be keeping it to myself.

So how does this fit into the story of me, the bleachers and how I ended up documenting 600 games worth of nonsense from Section 39 in the right-field bleachers of Yankee Stadium through the 90s and vaunted championship run (most of which was totally unrelated to the actual game on the field)? And how does it bring me here?

It was April of 1993. I was young, wild and possibly in hiding at the time. New to the city and trying to figure out how someone who hadn’t yet charmed or bought anyone off yet to be his friend could go somewhere without standing out and being “that guy.” Ah, how about the Yankee game?

In random trips to the Stadium before my solo ventures, I would sit in the uppers – the old “top eight rows of the Stadium have the cheapest seat” gag. I’d be behind home plate, in another stratosphere, closer to planes up above than Matt Nokes on the field. Well, on my own accord, in 1993 I bought a bleacher seat (probably because all my scant cash was going towards single guy staples like macaroni and cheese and tuna fish) not knowing anything of what wonders went on within.

So there I sat with my scorecard in the bleachers. People sure seemed to know and, for the most part, like one another out there. I immediately felt left out of the loop. I saw Tina, the Queen of the bleachers who has since become a lifelong friend, holding court. (Trust me, if you have been in the bleachers, you know her.) These were the general admission days, and if you weren’t in, you weren’t in. A few wayward souls were steered clear to seats on the periphery, as outsiders weren’t welcome.

I watched this dance with mild amusement, and sort of wondered what exactly made these people boss. I had my scorecard and I was sitting there, keeping to myself for possibly the last time ever, when I heard the unmistakable sound of … song. What the hell? These people were singing. I knew all about drunken bursts of song since I grew up in a volunteer fire department family, and spent many nights hearing the “Horse’s Ass” ditty on the bus home from a parade, but here I was in the seats at the venerated Yankee Stadium, hearing people singing my beloved “Horse’s Ass” song.  I knew the words, so I joined in with gusto. Then, out of the blue a portly sort got up and screamed, “Box seats suck, jerkoff!” I was enamored. They had me at “Box Seats Suck!”

And then the old man fell down the stairs.

Before this night my scorecards were kept neat and tidy with succinct game-scoring action, and trivial facts like “sunny but chilly” or “Cap Night here at the Stadium!” How timid and staid I was. Well, it all changed on this first night in the bleachers when this old man fell down the stairs. He was up as soon as he went down, steered to a seat and fawned upon with such fervor by a couple of young women that I started mulling over the idea of falling down the steps myself. Anyway, I felt a need to document this. So I wrote, “old man falls down the stairs.” I then checked my work, liked what I saw, and decided to fill in the columns of my scorecards with such factoids going forward.

That same night I saw fit to mention we were told in no uncertain terms to “STAY OFF THE SEATS!” by security when we stood up to do some such thing. Considering what was to come over the years on the seats not involving sitting on them (from Creatures making speeches or doing stripteases to me dancing in wild gyrations or reading children’s books to a rapt audience to people doing tumblesaults or using them as a diving board to seats below), this is now amusing to me on so many levels. I’m sure I had a grin as I documented that Brian McRae was serenaded with chants of “Daddy’s Little Girl!” I pointed out “a big fat guy” in the box seats, and I didn’t even bother cracking a joke, which was beyond lazy of me. I just documented he was there for posterity. Ruminating on this now, I wonder how many guys scoring in the box seats look over now and see me out in the bleachers of today and write out “big fat guy in the bleachers” – you know, the student becoming the master sort of thing.

When the Daddy’s Boy himself made a snag on a Pat Kelly liner, I gave out a “star” on the play, which I had always done on my scorecards, but my new unabashed self, freed by the carefree atmosphere of the bleachers added a descriptive, “an unbelievable leave-his-feet catch.” My scorecard, before my very eyes, was transforming itself from a neat archive of a relaxing night in the park to a random spate of verse, jokes and remarks with snark. And what a game to start my run with.

That night I learned, along with joy, a sense of community, and a chance to sharpen my rapier wit … rage! The freakin’ Yankees had a chunky 4-0 lead going into the ninth behind eight shutout innings by Jimmy Key, and Steve Howe and Steve Farr COUGHED THE DAMN THING UP! This was the metamorphosis for a snide that would used in the future of “Oh, here comes the bullpen … HOWE FARR will they hit it?”

So yeah, Howe comes in to start the ninth, gives up a single to Wally Joyner, a double to Hubie Brooks of all people, and a bases-clearing double by Felix Jose to make it 4-2. That is when Steve Farr came ambling in. Everything from trepidation to menace hung in the air. And sure enough, in no time at all, we are tied, as Mike McFarlane hoisted a homer. I sat in a sea of boos and groans, stewing in rage. After some more assorted lunacy and two outs that gave us hope we may get through this turmoil, Brian McRae got the last laugh on us with a dinky infield single that somehow plated a run, and the Royals were up.

I inexplicably had one of those doofy souvenir bats that soon went the way of the dodo when people figured out they made nifty weapons, and I not so inexplicably slammed it on the empty seat next to me (there were lots of those about as only 14,091 fans were listed as attendees that night, quite possibly the smallest crowd I was ever a part of) and broke the damn thing. As Farr left the field to a cascade of boos and I surveyed my splintered wood, someone shouted with aplomb, “Joey Gasoline! Fireman of the year!” That too made the card.

And I’ve never looked back. Over the next few games I moved closer and closer to this inner circle that I had watched with a wary eye. I was soon recognized, and from what people recall, respectful. I started adding my own quips to the sea of sarcasm, joining in the songs, chastising the meek as they shuffled up the steps, trying to figure out where their “general admission seat” was located. I’d point out the furtive Boston fan peeking over the upper deck rail, sparking off a booming chant for him to jump, which would then win me backslaps and handshakes for pointing out this chance for us to all be merry. I began chatting with the likes of Animal, Captain Bob, “Big Nose” George (The Little Drummer Boy), Tina, the legendary cowbell man Ali Ramirez, Fat Daddy Chico and it went on and on. Soon I was sitting right in there, helping Tina hold the seats for the established regulars, looking forward to the day that was surely coming where I too would have a seat held for me while I glugged a couple of last brews outside.

Many times over the years I would hear the question, “How the hell did you sit through 600 baseball games?” This question would be asked with that tinge of derision one would get as if the question were “Why would you pick up garbage on the side of the road if you weren’t forced to?” The thing is not only did I love baseball, which bought me to the bleachers of Yankee Stadium in the first place and has me watching Kansas City-Seattle games on the MLB package to this day, watching a game in the bleachers was akin to going to a bar where you knew your best friends, and other characters out and about would surely be there. There would be lies and laughs, jokes and songs, fights and flirts, but the thing was there was a baseball game going on right in front of us. What a selling point!

Night after night security was busy admonishing the rowdy, escorting the drunken pugilists to the gate under a canopy of hoots and hollers. Outfielders would sneak a peek over their shoulders, only to be buried in a barrage of insults and just plain old-fashioned boos. Fathers with your young kids would go from covering their children’s ears to the naughty ditties to patting us on the back for a particularly funny line. It was a wonderland. Throw in the beers, and in those early-days cigars, and we were the proverbial pig in a poke. Tickets were cheaper then (Hell, I’m thinking they were six bucks when I started going) and the beers were cheaper too! If I could afford them back then, anyone could!

I learned the wonders of going in for batting practice (remember beer was sold in the bleachers at one time, but once beer was banned for a stint that lasted a few years it was the end of me and a bunch of cronies making it in before first pitch) and hooting and hollering with players from the road. In times I will recant tales of “Dancin’” Tony Phillips, Bo Jackson, Ben McDonald, the late John Marzano, the foul-tempered (and fouler mouthed) Bobby Ayala and the likes of Todd Jones and Phil Nevin, who attempted to draw a few Creatures into actual fisticuffs before a game. What a place! I saw the phenomena of “holding seats for friends” (in a world where Tina ruled with an iron fist) and there was even a game where someone commandeered some yellow police tape to rope off our section within a section to make sure the friends could sit together.

In time I will discuss what really killed the rowdiness of the bleachers (and yes, the bleachers as I knew them are dead). While the banning of beer in the late 90s was a big part of killing the spirit, it was the doing away with the general admission seating that blew the whole thing up. Back then you sat in your gaggle of goons, where you could share a private joke without making it public by shouting it four rows and five seats to the back and left. I have never laughed louder in my life than the nights I’d be there in a row with Big Tone Capone, Grover, Gang Bang Steve, Angry Teddy and Donahuge, all in a line like the Little Rascals on a curb, but firing them off one after another. And, lucky you, the results of these ended up in what are now five binders of scorecards on a shelf in my closet, preserved forevermore. I could (and I have) randomly pulled these books out in times of dismay to sneak a guffaw.

So here is where Scorecard Memories comes to play. Over the years, starting on a message board that became a ghost town, I documented the storied years of 1993-1995 in Section 39. In time I may revisit them here, and you will surely get the stories in a fireside chat style regardless. But I’m going to pick it up here in 1996 for a myriad of reasons, and of course, 1996 holds a special place in the heart of any Yankees fan. It’s a great place to start to share the bleacher journey with many of you for the first time. But even more so this is when true characters came creeping out of the woodwork as I had in 1993. The jokes were funnier and more biting. Security was as lax as ever and just about every single night an astounding array of lunacy prevailed. We had a World Series to see, a no-hitter and a tragic loss of one of our own out there in Section 39 when longtime cowbell man Ali Ramirez passed away that May. The emotion that came out of that, reached a crescendo on the night Gooden tossed his no-hitter on the same day Ali was laid to rest and it brought us together as a family and created a bond that has morphed into the most dysfunctional, and dare I say the BEST DAMN FAMILY out there.

At my wedding I had a series of family tables, a friends table, and a Bleacher Creature section. Since my run kicked off in the early 90s, folks have come and gone, but more have stayed. Couples have met and broken up. New relationships have flourished and some have married and there are now Bleacher Babies running around. I myself met my own wife out there, and have a Bleacher Baby of my own.

This month is the 10th Annual Ali Ramirez Bleacher Creature Softball Tournament held on the Heritage Field on the grounds of Yankee Stadium. Over the years, 90 different people with bleacher connections (as in “sat there and became a part of this” connections and not “I have connections out there” connections) have played in this game, and another couple of hundred or more have come out to see the games and join in the day, and the inevitable trips to the bar afterwards.

So what am I going to be doing here? I’m going to take you through a stint in the stands, recounting seasons and baseballian memories through the art of the drunken scorecard. I’m going to be regaling you with all kinds of madcap capers involving my Bleacher Creature friends, from road trips to vaunted destinations like Toronto and Baltimore, Staten Island and Coney Island (where I brandished my scorecards). Your average scorecard would contain anywhere from a half-dozen to half-a-hundred witty cracks, and allusions to fights, bottle throwing, drunkards passing out or falling down the stairs, ejections, folks in costumes, flashing women and some of the strangest characters ever seen in public. I will intersperse these accounts with abbreviated game recaps, to stir up memories of names gone by like Yankees stars Mike Gallego and Mark Hutton, to visiting wunderkinds like John Jaha and Troy O’Leary.

Why would anyone care about bleacher scorecards (even ones with jokes) from over 15 years ago? For one thing, funny jokes are funny at all times, and who doesn’t like baseball stories? They tell stories about the barnstorming Cincinnati Red Stockings! I may stir up some memories of childhood heroes and guys you used to laugh at. There will be snapshot style profiles of luminaries of the time. There will be tales of on-field brawls, triple plays and a whole ton of mystery outs (or as Phil Rizzuto used to score them, “ww” for “wasn’t watching”). You will simply be amazed at some of the arcane factoids I shall present between the oddballs who threw out first pitches or sang the anthem here and there (including Barry “Greg Brady” Williams and our own Suzyn Waldman, who belted it out in the mid-90s before we realized she was theater trained, and not just annoying) to absolutely doofy polls taken in the seats like “What would you rather smell like: pee or poo?” and “Who was your favorite character in Winnie the Pooh? (in which Christopher Robin inexplicably got three votes). The fun never stopped.

The Bleacher Creatures have had road trips to just about every city in the baseball world, though I pretty much only made it to Boston, Baltimore, Shea and Toronto, and you’ll hear those stories too. And oh, the get-togethers in the bars, pregame hangouts in the bodegas and the park and even trips to the clink. There will be fights and affairs and some names will be changed to protect the guilty. But you’re gonna hear it all along with how I morphed into the “Drunk Guy That Does the Tom Tom Dance on the Benches” while wearing a plastic toy Sheriff badge.

The next time you hear from me it will be April of 1996, and you will be in the bleachers. Enjoy the ride.

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Good Times Never Seemed So Good in Boston

The Yankees are in Boston for a four-game series with the Red Sox and that means it’s time for another email exchange with Mike Hurley.

It feels like it’s been years since the Yankees and Red Sox last played against each other, and it kind of has been. It’s been 76 days since the two teams last met, and that happened to be the day the Yankees erased an eight-run deficit after six innings at Fenway Park.

The Yankees have exactly half of their season left to play, and out of those 81 games, 16 of them will be against the Red Sox. And with so many games left against each other, that means that there are a lot of email exchanges left between Mike Hurley and me. With the Yankees in Boston for a four-game series this weekend I sent Hurley the mandatory Yankees-Red Sox email to let him know my presence in his city this weekend.

Keefe: So we meet again. I figured you were waiting for this email since the Yankees are in town. I can picture you checking your phone every time it vibrates to see if it’s an email for me. Actually your phone probably makes a ringing or beep noise when you get an email because you don’t seem like the type of person that would courteous enough to put it on vibrate.

The Yankees have a five-game lead on the division and a 7 1/2-game lead on the Red Sox (eight in the loss column). Despite going 1-2 against the Rays this week, the Yankees still managed to pick up another game on the Red Sox after they were swept in Oakland.

In December 2010 you were excited for a Red Sox-Phillies World Series in 2011, and instead the 2011 Red Sox, who were supposed to challenge the 1927 Yankees as the greatest team ever, didn’t even make the playoffs. When the team was falling apart in September and anonymous sources were snitching on the players and pitching staff and other anonymous sources (cough, Larry Lucchino, cough, cough) were trying to destroy Terry Francona’s reputation, I never thought things could possibly get better. But then 2012 happened.

John Lackey is out for the year and Carl Crawford hasn’t played a game. Jacoby Ellsbury has been injured for nearly the whole season and Josh Beckett was playing golf on his off day despite being unable to pitch due to injury. David Ortiz called Boston a “sh-thole” and then said he was embarrassed and humiliated about his contract status even though he makes $14.575 million to only hit. Daniel Bard is now blowing saves in Triple-A and the Red Sox’ closer, Andrew Bailey, hasn’t thrown a pitch this season while the guy they traded for him, Josh Reddick, looks like he could have been the right fielder of the future for the Red Sox.

It has been beautiful to watch and a glorious first half for the Red Sox. I guess my only question for you is did I leave anything out?

Hurley: God, you’re such an A-hole. When Ortiz said Boston was becoming a “sh-thole,” he must have known you were coming to visit.

But did you miss anything? Seriously? OK, here we go (I’m going with a bulleted list format here for simplicity’s sake:

– Daniel Nava bats leadoff.

– Darnell McDonald plays 38 games (enjoy the Darnell era in New York!).

– The Red Sox trade FOR Marlon Byrd. Then dump him. Then he gets busted for PEDs.

– Kevin Youkilis gets traded and goes something like 9-for-10 with a home run and a walk-off hit for the White Sox.

– Kelly Shoppach complains to Bobby Valentine about playing time. Kelly Shoppach!

– Adrian Gonzalez is tied for 146th in home runs. He has six in 324 at-bats. Here are people who have hit more home runs than Gonzalez, with their at-bat total in parentheses: Shelley Duncan (154), Brandon Inge (181), Andruw Jones (113), Todd Frazier (168), Justin Maxwell (121), Jonny Gomes (142), Will Middlebrooks (171), Mitch Moreland (158), Brandon Moss (78!), Scott Hairston (173), Cody Ross (189), Allen Craig (160).

– Nick Punto plays 46 games, hits .180.

– Scott Podsednik becomes a stabilizing force in the outfield. Seriously. Then he gets hurt and goes on the DL.

– Jon Lester goes 5-5 with a 4.33 ERA. His career numbers: 81-39, 3.61 ERA.

– Sox go 2-5 on a road trip to face juggernauts in Seattle and Oakland.

Other than that, it’s been a pretty good season. How are the Yankees doing?

Keefe: The Yankees? They’re doing good enough that if they split this weekend at Fenway, they will still be eight games ahead of the Red Sox in the loss column.

I’m mad at myself for forgetting so many important negative things about the Red Sox. I pride myself in trying to be the go-to guy for negative Red Sox storylines and I forgot so many, so I would like to apologize to everyone for that.

Let’s take a deeper look at David Ortiz’s comments to USA Today though since you wrote and tweeted heavily about them on Thursday and since it’s a perfect Red Sox off-day story in Boston for the media to feast on a day before the Yankees arrive at Fenway. Seriously, can you think of better timing for this story to take over? I can’t.

Here is what David Ortiz said to USA Today about his contract.

“It was humiliating. There’s no reason a guy like me should go through that. All I was looking for was two years, at the same salary ($12.5 million). They ended up giving me $3 million more than that (actually $2.025 million), and look at my numbers this year. Tell me if they wouldn’t have been better off. And yet they don’t hesitate to sign other guys. It was embarrassing.”

“If you go crazy and give contracts to whoever comes along despite not knowing how they’re going to do, then you don’t give me my due consideration, even though I do my thing every year, [expletive] that. I’m going to be open to anything. My mentality is not going to be, ‘I like it here.’ It’s going to be, ‘Bring it to the table, and we’ll see what happens.’”

David Ortiz is making $14.575 million this season, and in case anyone forgot, he doesn’t play in the field. That means he makes $89,969.14 per game and $39,931.51 per day over a calendar year. I’m not sure what’s so humiliating about that.

Apparently Ortiz can predict the future by saying the team would be better off by giving him a two-year deal since he knows that he will have the same production next year. But the Red Sox offered him two years and $20 million and he turned it down and went to arbitration instead and settled on this deal with the Red Sox, according to a Ben Cherington email to USA Today.

This story will likely lead to the media asking Ortiz if he would play for the Yankees because people love stories like that (especially with the Yankees in Boston) even if the Yankees aren’t about to lock up their DH spot to an aging player when they need that spot for their already aging players. And while I don’t think Ortiz has any chance of playing in the Bronx, I would like to see him go somewhere other than Boston, so he can find out if there are any other “s-hit holes” that have MLB teams.

Hurley: I generally look at these little tirades as cutesy little David moments, the times when he goes absolutely nuts for no real, rational reason and it drives him to hit 35 homers and drive in 100 runs and nobody ends up really remembering. But this one, for whatever reason, really pissed me off.

It’s probably because it’s the second time in two weeks he’s gone out of his way to selfishly complain about himself and his contract. Two weeks ago, he said he wasn’t having much fun this year. Poor baby! He’s only making $23,737 for every plate appearance, meaning in one night he earns enough to pay off the college loans that will take you 40 years to pay off, but the guy is not having fun! I just feel bad for him!

And now he’s mad that the team didn’t give him a two-year deal for $26 million? Let’s see … exactly who was it that forced Ortiz to agree to arbitration? Oh it was his agent, who probably told Ortiz that he’d get nothing better on the free-agent market. And who signed his name on the bottom of a one-year contract that gave him a $2 million raise at the age of 36? That was Ortiz.

If he wasn’t happy about any of it, he could have rejected arbitration and become a free agent, or he could have gone into the arbitration hearing and awaited the ruling. Chances are he wouldn’t have gotten a $2 million raise, and as a result, he’ll now make more money in 2012 and 2013 than he initially wanted, and this upsets him greatly.

If he wants to talk disrespect, maybe he should call future Hall of Famer Vladimir Guerrero. The guy hit 29 homers with 115 RBIs when he was 35 years old (Ortiz hit 29 homers with 96 RBIs at the same age). What’d that get Vlad? A one-year deal with the Orioles for $7.6 million. Ortiz gets nearly twice that, and he’s upset.

He does have a point that the team wastes billions in bad contracts like J.D. Drew, Carl Crawford, John Lackey, etc. But whining about it like he deserves better, after he’s made just shy of $100 million since 2003, is ridiculous. He should be embarrassed and humiliated not for the way the Sox treated him but instead because he’s acting like such a spoiled baby.

Keefe: Whenever you have Red Sox fans saying that they are pissed at Ortiz you know things are going well. Now if only we can get you to write an entire email bashing Dave Roberts I will feel like I have won the war and I will no longer need to talk to you.

Getting up to Boston early in the week for the series has allowed me to catch Felger and Mazz on Comcast SportsNet New England and it has been filled with caller after caller saying that they are Red Sox fans since (insert some year from many decades ago) and they actually root for the Red Sox to lose. They hate the players on the team and they hate Bobby Valentine and they hate that the players are losers who whine all the time. This has all made me feel the type of joy that I have heard people only feel after the birth of one of their children.

The problem is winning cures everything. And while I would like to think that people in Boston are as miserable and pessimistic about their baseball team as they were pre-2004, which was the last strike-shortened season in which where there weren’t any playoffs or World Series, I know that if the Red Sox go on a run and start stringing together wins rather than losses against teams like the Mariners and A’s, Bostonians will be singing a different tune. It won’t matter to them that David Ortiz makes the money he does and participates in each game for only a matter of minutes each night or that Josh Beckett has no respect for the fans or the city and will do whatever the eff Josh Beckett wants to do because Theo Epstein handed him a ridiculous contract extension.

I would like to think that the division isn’t in play for the Red Sox, but I’m not stupid enough to say that, let alone in writing, and have it come back to bit me. But if the Red Sox can stay afloat they will be in play for that one-game playoff that we both love. And if they are in play for that will you change your feelings about the team and the new wild-card format?

Hurley: No. The new wild-card format is an atrocity of incredible proportions. It takes a 162-game season’s worth of effort and flushes it down the toilet in three hours. And you know what? If an underachieving team like the Red Sox sleepwalks through the whole season and ends up winning that one-game playoff against a team with five or six more wins, then my rage will only be tripled. That’s not what a 162-game season is for, and that’s not right.

But yeah, despite all the issues we’ve already talked about, the Sox remain a good weekend away from jumping into that wild-card spot (which is absurd). And they’re definitely good enough to do it, provided the starting pitching can become even halfway decent and Ellsbury can return at even 80 percent of what he was last year.

But the division? No way. I know Ken Rosenthal said if they get a starting pitcher and dump Kevin Youkilis and just “be patient” then they’d be able to win the division, but that’s really nuts. If it were just the Red Sox and Yankees that were competitive teams, maybe, but Tampa is there, and Baltimore and Toronto really aren’t bad. It’s going to be impossible for the Red Sox to leapfrog everyone, especially when they go 1-5 against Oakland.

And Dave Roberts is a saint. Watch your mouth.

Keefe: Let’s talk about what happened to Kevin Youkilis. If the Red Sox win one more game last September then they get to the one-game playoff against the Rays. If they win two more games they make the playoffs. If they do either of those things Terry Francona is still the manager and I think Kevin Youkilis is still the third baseman.

But like I once told you, the “if” game is for losers like Patriots fans who say, “If Wes Welker and Tom Brady connect then the Giants lose the Super Bowl” or “If Rob Gronkowski’s ankle is 100 percent then the Giants lose the Super Bowl.” We’ll keep the “ifs” for losers like Patriots fans. Thankfully neither of us are Patriots fans. (And there is my Giants Super Bowl reference that you say I always have to make in these emails.)

When Youkilis was removed for a pinch runner, Bobby Valentine stood in the dugout clapping and was motioning for the other guys on the team to join him on the top step. There was Adrian Gonzalez clapping for Youkilis as he gave his farewell to Fenway Park. One of the faces of the franchise and the change of culture to the Red Sox over the last eight years was leaving the game and the park and the team while the new faces of the team that has ruined everything Youkilis helped build watched him exit. I feel like a high school freshman English teacher getting all sappy about symbolism.

I understand playing time for Will Middlebrooks became a necessity and along with the finances of the situation it made sense for Youkilis to get moved, but the whole thing and the way it happened just has a stink to it. (Don’t get me wrong, I like the stink it has to it.) You knew that with a change of scenery the guy was going to perform again where he didn’t have to deal with Bobby Valentine’s BS and limited action. I have always hated Youkilis and still do, but I have always respected him and always wanted him on my team. I’m just glad the Red Sox decided differently.

Hurley: I thought the sendoff from the fans was an incredible moment. I’m as cold-hearted as it gets. Some people (believe it or not) even think I’m a real A-hole. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the emotion of that one. Even a cynical bastard like me couldn’t pick it apart, because really, Youkilis deserved that kind of thank you from the fans, and it’s very rare that athletes have the chance to get it like that.

But watching Bob Valentine grandstand on the top step like he was convincing his buddy to get out there and take a curtain call? Puke-inducing. Give me a break.

As far as the trade itself goes, they got next to nothing for him and had to pay most of his salary, which is what I expected. Teams knew the Sox were desperate to get rid of him, so they held all the leverage. It definitely won’t go in the Ben Cherington Hall of Fame, but he didn’t have too much to work with here. I do think Middlebrooks is ready to play every day (if his hammy heals) and I thought the Sox were playing with fire every single time they put Adrian Gonzalez in right field. He’s so slow, I’m pretty sure you could run faster than him on a Friday night at 2:30 a.m. And I’ve seen you on Friday nights at 2:30 a.m.

And frankly, I’m glad to see him do well with Chicago. He was a bit of a gruff person who didn’t always go out of his way to make himself seem like the nicest guy in the world, but he played the game hard and he (sorry, cliché time) played it the right way. He was the definition of a guy who never takes a second on the field for granted, and he was willing to play any position the manager asked. It’s too bad his Red Sox career ended unceremoniously, and it’s awful that Bob V gets to stick around while a World Series winner gets shipped to Chicago, but that’s how it works.

Keefe: Well, Youkilis did hit a walk-off single on Wednesday and then added a solo shot on Thursday that ended up being the game-winner. So at least you can say he was a homegrown player!

It wouldn’t be right if we didn’t dedicate one part of this email to the man known as Bobby Valentine (or Bob Valentine to you.)

He has a two-year deal. His team is currently tied for last place in the division. If the Yankees do what they are capable of doing this weekend at Fenway then the city of Boston will have Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday with nothing to talk about other than what is wrong with the Red Sox and who should go and what needs to be done to fix the team. If Ray Allen re-signs with the Celtics and doesn’t do something crazy like sign with the Heat then they will really have nothing to talk about. (Unless Tim Thomas decides to join Barack Obama and Mitt Romney in the election process.) Not having CC Sabathia and Andy Pettitte sucks, but not having them for this series to step on the Red Sox’ throat hurts even more.

So what are we to make of Bobby Valentine’s first semester as Red Sox manager? I want you to file it under “colossal failure” but I don’t think even you will do that since it’s not like he was given the ideal pieces to win. But this team with this payroll already got the most revered manager in the franchise’s history fired, so what’s stopping them from getting the ringleader of the circus booted?

Hurley: Bob V, as much as I’m not a fan, hasn’t been all that bad. He had a big adjustment period in April, when he was way too slow to pull guys out of games and seemed truly frightened to argue with umpires. Maybe in Japan you’re not allowed to argue, but here you’re technically not either, so I’m not sure he has an excuse. Either way, I thought he was awful in April and cost them a couple of wins.

Since then though, he’s kind of hit a groove. He played Middlebrooks, and that worked out in the form of 10 homers. He really worked the bullpen well, to the point where they were best in the league for a long stretch of the season, using guys like Scott Atchison and Matt Albers (in real life!). He hasn’t been afraid to “ride the hot hand,” and it’s worked out with people like Jarrod Saltalamacchia, who’s finally playing to his potential, and Daniel Nava, who was somehow playing like a real life major league outfielder for a while.

But like you said earlier with winning solving everything, losing can blow everything up. You can bet a last place finish will spell the premature end for Bob Valentine (for those not in the know, I refuse to refer to a man in his 60s as “Bobby”), and then we can have another four month-long managerial search to follow! Go Red Sox!

Keefe: Four games this weekend including a doubleheader on Saturday and pitching matchups of Hiroki Kuroda-Josh Beckett, Phil Hughes-Franklin Morales, Freddy Garcia-Felix Doubront and Ivan Nova-Jon Lester. I thought we might see some crazy lopsided matchups, but they actually ended up being about as good as can be without CC Sabathia and Andy Pettitte. Still these two teams leave the over/under of hours of baseball played this weekend at 18 and the total runs at 44. I’m taking the over on both, you?

And as much as I would like to see the Yankees go into Boston and sweep the four-game series the way they did at the Stadium in August 2009 and similar to the five-game sweep at Fenway in 2006, the Yankees really just need to split this weekend to prevent the Red Sox from gaining any ground and from ripping four more games off the schedule.

Hopefully when I talk to you on Monday you are avoiding me because the Red Sox are double-digit games back and you will be counting down the days until the Patriots’ Week 1 game.

Hurley: I can guarantee that no matter what happens, no matter how many hours of baseball is played, no matter how many runs are scored and no matter which team wins the series, I will be avoiding you on Monday. Enjoy the weekend, pal.

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HOPE Week Reflections

Jerome Preisler looks back at HOPE Week 2012 and shares his behind-the-scenes experience from taking part in the events.

Last Friday afternoon, a few short hours after attending the Yankees’ final HOPE Week 2012 event at the Bronx Botanical Gardens, I was in the Yankee Stadium press box listening to a reporter go on about the whole program being a calculated publicity stunt. As the only writer to have observed HOPE Week planning sessions from behind the scenes, and the author of a book-in-progress about a previous year’s HOPE Week honoree, I’d seen and heard a lot of things that contradicted his assertions. But he visibly fazed me out when I tried to discuss it, and I thought that unfortunate.

HOPE Week is community outreach on a grand organizational scale. It recognizes individuals who’ve dedicated themselves to helping others or who’ve overcome great obstacles in their lives to set examples through their own optimism and perseverance. Each year the Yankees plan an elaborate series of surprises for their five honorees and their friends and families. All the events involve appearances the organization’s players, coaches and executives, and every active member of the team generally volunteers to participate.

The events are often elaborate. There have been surprise reunions on national television, meetings with the mayor at City Hall, celebrity appearances, a carnival on the Yankee Stadium field after a game, pizza deliveries to a New York tour bus from Derek Jeter, even a Staten Island block party with former Yankees pitcher A.J. Burnett getting dunked by local kids and swimsuit model Kate Upton posing for snapshots with beaming neighborhood guys.

I’ve been writing about HOPE Week since its inception in 2009, having stumbled onto it while I was in the press box gathering material for a regular baseball column. I’d wandered over to where various stat sheets and press releases are stacked for reporters to pick up, and saw a HOPE Week press release about the next night’s event acknowledging Camp Sundown, a summer camp for people with a genetic condition known as Xeroderma Pigmentosum. XP is a disorder that essentially makes the tiny percentage of kids afflicted with it allergic to sunlight. Their skin can’t repair the damage caused by normal exposure to ultraviolet radiation. Most develop malignant carcinomas. Their often brief lives are lead at night or behind blackout shades.

My initial motive for requesting a credential was admittedly selfish. In my seventh Tom Clancy’s Power Plays novel, Zero Hour, I’d decided to make the principle antagonist, Hasul Benazir, a wealthy businessman-terrorist who suffered from the XP mutation. When I wrote the book in 2003 or thereabouts, I’d known almost nothing about the condition beyond its most obvious symptoms. But I liked giving my villains traits that distinguished them from run-of-the-mill America-hating badguys and thought it would let me present Benazir as a richer, more textured character.

The HOPE Week event for Camp Sundown was a chance to see to see how close I’d come to capturing the reality of living with the disorder. The Yankees, moreover, would be surprising the Camp Sundown kids with a carnival on the field after a game with the Oakland Athletics. Stilt walkers, jugglers, rides, refreshments, and players cavorting into the late hours. The whole thing tugged at my interest.

It proved a magical experience. The midnight rides and costumed performers amid the empty grandstands, the joy of the kids and their families, the enthusiasm of the Yankee players. Magical, memorable, and poignant. Jose Molina, who was the Yankees’ backup catcher, would become emotional speaking with me. Pitcher Alfredo Aceves stayed until two or three in the morning playing guitar. Other members of the team played soccer with the kids. By then the handful of television crews and reporters were long gone.

After writing my story, I stayed in occasional touch with the camp’s founder, Caren Mahar, whose youngest daughter Katie had the disease. In the spring of 2010, I drove up to Camp Sundown in Craryville, New York, to hold a writers’ workshop for the campers and their families. It was a big success. That day Caren told me and my wife that Jason Zillo, the Yankees’ public relations chief, had been a supporter of Camp Sundown for a long time. While still an intern with the Yankees organization, he’d watched a segment about the Mahars on a televised news magazine and quietly begun doing things with the Yankees to benefit their cause. Caren recalled Zillo telling her that he wanted to someday be able to do more. Years later when his concept for HOPE Week was embraced by the team’s front office, Zillo at once thought of the Mahars and kept his word.

During HOPE Week 2011 I met the Trush family. Daniel Trush, the week’s first honoree, was twenty-seven years old at the time. When he was 12, an aneurism in his skull had burst, plunging him into a deep coma. Danny remained comatose for about 30 days. His family was told the odds were against his survival, and that if he did live, he likely wouldn’t lead anything close to a meaningful existence – which was another way of saying he would remain in an essentially vegetative state. But Daniel defied expectations. He emerged from the coma and gradually recovered. Although he’d suffered brain damage that left him with multiple disabilities, he would not only prevail but inspire others to move past adversity with his spirited optimism and wry, infectious humor. Music had been important to him before his traumatic brain injury, and was crucial to his healing, and his family would eventually start a foundation that helped heal others through musical interaction. Danny became its driving force.

The Trushes touched and impressed me. Their family bond was special. Nothing had ever prepared them for what happened to Danny, yet they never gave up on him or lost faith that he would continue to get better, and had innately known how to best support him through his evolving challenges.

I wrote a column about Daniel for YESNetwork.com, and subsequently met with him and his father Ken to discuss a book that would tell their family’s story at greater length. We found we shared the same vision for the project and moved ahead. Part of my lengthy book proposal involved getting better acquainted with the work the Trushes did through their nonprofit, Daniel’s Music Foundation. In the autumn of 2011, they invited me to a small cocktail party-fundraiser in Manhattan. I knew Jason Zillo would be there. DMF had grown tremendously owing to the exposure it had gotten from HOPE Week, and the Trushes had wanted to thank him with an honorific.

It came as no surprise that the entire Yankees PR department was in attendance. But I hadn’t expected that Jennifer Steinbrenner Swindal, co-owner of the team, would be there too. She mingled a little with the other guests and then sat at a corner table watching members of the foundation perform. There were no cameras other than those used to capture the performance for personal remembrances. Steinbrenner Swindal stayed well out of the spotlight.

Shortly before Christmas, I attended DMF’s annual holiday show at a school auditorium. Again the Yankees PR department came, some with their families, to watch the performance. In May 2012, with a deal finally secured for the book, I observed rehearsals for DMF’s spring concert in their rented studio space. One night, Jason Latimer, a member of the Yankees PR department dropped by pushing his two-year-old in a stroller. He explained that he’d wanted to catch some of the rehearsals because would be unable to make the show, which would fall the same Sunday afternoon as a Yankees game. He stayed for about an hour.

A few weeks after their foundation’s spring concert, I contacted Jason Zillo to ask if could sit in on Yankees PR’s HOPE Week selection and planning discussions. Part of my narrative would involve the Trushes’ being chosen as honorees and I wanted a firsthand glimpse of the process. It was an unusual request, as these are closed-door meetings in Zillo’s office, but figured it would be worth a shot. Happily Zillo agreed. Although the picks had already been made, he told me I could observe the planning sessions. I later interested YESNetwork.com in a feature offering a behind-the-scenes look at HOPE Week and cleared it with Zillo. He placed no restrictions on what I could write about for YES, other than requesting that I keep a brief conversation about PR’s negotiations with a public figure off the record.

The group’s exchanges frequently concerned logistics and coordination. Some involved players: Which ones had signed up for particular events? Who was still undecided? There were also discussions involving celebrities, corporate sponsors and media outlets. But the subject always came back around to the HOPE Week honorees. Their needs remained at the core of the agenda. Could they help one man with his college tuition? With storage space for food? Or would a long-term supply of gas for his truck be more useful than the space? Is it better to get Costco or Hess into this? Beyond plotting HOPE Week’s highly public itineraries, the people in the room were determined to do what would most benefit the recipients when the cameras left and they returned to their everyday routines.

HOPE Week 2012 ran from June 25-29, coinciding with the Yankees’ final homestand before the All-Star break. I chose to attend three events, beginning with the second day. The Yanks had tagged it An Angel in Queens and it acknowledged a man named Jorge Munoz, who had dedicated himself to feeding the hungry. Munoz had very little in the way of savings or material possessions. He lived in a modest rental apartment with his mother, sister and young nephew and prepared over a hundred free meals a day in its tiny kitchen.

As Yankee players arrived to surprise Munoz with food supplies, the apartment was quickly packed with reporters and cameramen. I jostled my way inside and soon found myself in a small, cramped room facing one of two kitchen entrances. Packed into that tight space beside me was Jennifer Steinbrenner Swindal. She stood away from the cameras, peering into the kitchen where the players were helping to cook that day’s meal of rice, beans and chopped ham.

After a brief exchange with her, I asked for an interview and she agreed on the spot. She shared her feelings about the initiative overall, and emotionally recalled a moment the day before that had brought her to tears.

Back outside in the Munoz’s concrete driveway later, I watched Jennifer speak to neighbors drawn to the scene by the media caravans. She cooed over their children and told a couple of kids about Munoz’s selflessness, standing well away from the television cameras. The reporters assigned to the story were busy interviewing players and more or less ignored her. The kids, and many of their parents, had no idea who she was.

That night at Yankee Stadium, Munoz would throw the game’s ceremonial first pitch and then hasten back to Queens to distribute his meals. Before tossing the ball from the mound, he’d attended a dinner in the press conference room outside the Yankees clubhouse. Previous years’ HOPE Week honorees had arrived from around the country, their transportation aided by the Yankees. The dinner was unpublicized, closed to reporters, but I was there as the Trushes’ guest. Brian Cashman spoke a few words of greeting to the alumni. Zillo and several members of his team spent time catching up with them. Jennifer Steinbrenner circulated around the room, chatting informally with everyone. The Trushes were moved when a 2010 HOPE Week honoree spoke of wanting to do volunteer work with their foundation. More connections were forming.

My next event was Thursday at a nursing home in the Bronx. The honorees were members of a nonprofit group called Glamourgals, high school and college-age volunteers who give manicures and makeovers to the elderly at senior care facilities. The cafeteria was full of residents sitting at long tables when the Yankee contingent showed up. Some knew the players, some didn’t. They were mostly looking forward to manicures and lunch.

Scenes from that day would etch themselves in my mind. I recall a woman in a wheelchair happily exclaiming, “A smile doesn’t cost a penny!” when Nick Swisher sat at her table to work on another lady’s nails. She had a Yiddish accent and would tell me she was a Holocaust survivor, showing me the number tattooed on her arm. She’d lost her entire family in the death camps but had somehow survived, married, had children. Now she was getting a kick out of Swisher. He was hamming it up, charming the octogenarian ladies at the table, and it had put her in a cheerful mood. I asked her how she kept smiling.

“The Nazis wiped out my whole family. I told myself I wouldn’t go down, that someone would live to remember them,” she said. “Sometimes, I cry when I think of them. I’m human. But I try to remember the good times. My smile means the people who killed them didn’t win.”

Elsewhere in the room, David Robertson had been talking to a man who’d had a severe stroke. He was in a wheelchair and largely unable to move or speak. His friend explained that he’d been a Yankees fan since 1952 and still watched all the games.

“Hopefully we’ll win this year, be like 2009 all over again,” Robertson told him.

The man’s face lit up. Lips that could no longer form words shaped a broad grin.

Minutes later, I watched one of the Glamourgals volunteers slowly overcome the guarded suspiciousness of a woman suffering from dementia. Her gentle patience struck me. The woman, looked ancient, and was holding something close against her body. I glimpsed what appeared to be artificial hair between her tightly folded arms and wondered if it was a wig or fall.

The volunteer was a beautiful, raven-haired teenager of South Asian descent. She spoke softly to the woman. Kindly. The gulf in age between them was six or seven decades. They were of different ethnicities and cultural backgrounds, and I could only imagine the variance in their experiences. The volunteer had noticed the object clasped in her arms.

“Is that a doll?” she asked.

The woman gave her a sharp, wary glance. Then, ever so gradually, she loosened her grip, the doll emerging into sight. “She’s my baby,” she said.

“She’s pretty,” the teenager said. “Can I hold her?”

The woman raised the doll off her lap. Hesitated. Pulled it close again.

The girl just smiled at her. Finally the woman relaxed her grip a second time, holding the doll out for her to take.

The volunteer told me afterward that it had been her second time out at the home with the Glamourgals. She explained that her grandparents lived far away, and that she rarely saw them, and that interacting with seniors helped compensate for their absence.

“It’s really being touched that means the most to them, the physical contact, so I like giving manicures,” the teenager said. “It takes longer, and you hold their hands.”

At Yankee Stadium that afternoon, Glamourgals organizers and volunteers would watch the Yankees’ batting practice outside their dugout. They cheered whenever a player raked a BP pitch, oohed and aahed as Derek Jeter appeared to sign baseballs.

“It feels good to be recognized,” one of them told me, a college freshman speaking for a group of three or four young women I’d interviewed. “We don’t do it for that reason, but it validates us.”

The following morning, Friday, I was back in the Bronx for the last HOPE Week event, held at the botanical gardens. The recipient of honors was an organization called CAP, or the Children’s Alopecia Project. Alopecia is a disorder of the autoimmune system that leads to childhood baldness, and kids who suffer from it suffer from self-esteem issues and are often bullied and ostracized by their peers. The lush green picnic setting, large player turnout, and planned activities for the kids – a scavenger hunt, head painting, other games – probably made this occasion the most fun.

For me it became the most moving. I was in the clubhouse where pizza was about to be served when I noticed one of the CAP kids, a teenage girl, sitting on a bench with a 30-something guy I assumed was a member of her family. She was completely bald, cute as a button, and had a mature intelligence in her eyes that belied her age. And she looked quietly happy.

I went over, crouched in front of her, and asked if she’d mind telling me how she felt about the day. She told me she was loving it. The whole thing had been a surprise. The guy sitting with her was her uncle, and he’d driven her and her mom all the way to New York from rural Pennsylvania. The population of her hometown, her uncle chimed in, was roughly equivalent to the number of passengers crammed aboard a Manhattan subway car. She had known there would be a CAP event but knew nothing about its scale or the Yankees’ involvement.

I asked the girl about living with alopecia. She said that if she had to suffer from a rare disorder, it was far from the worst. It wasn’t painful, life threatening, or physically disabling. It just made you lose your hair. Social ostracism wasn’t a problem for her, she said. Kids in her town didn’t make a big deal out of it.

Her uncle added that it had meant a lot for her to meet other kids with the condition, kids who could relate to the unique set of feelings that came with losing your hair at an age when boys and girls are very appearance-conscious.

As he spoke about that, her eyes moistened. On impulse, I patted the back of her hand, gave her a smile. I didn’t know what else to do.

A tear slid down her cheek. Another. I put my hand on hers again.

“We all have things in our lives that are hard to talk about,” I told her. “I have things in mine. And when I’m with someone else who’s had those experiences, it’s like there’s a bridge between us, and we don’t have to talk about them. We can just relax, and maybe let go for a while.”

The girl was crying outright now, softly, tears streaming down her cheeks. I felt awkward and guilty. I wondered if I’d said the right words. They were the ones that came to me. But I didn’t know. I was thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

The girl’s mother appeared, saw her shiny wet cheeks, asked if anything was wrong. She shook her head no, but said she was going to the restroom. The two of them went off together.

I apologized to the uncle. He said it wasn’t necessary. “Trust me,” he said. “Those were tears of joy.”

I answered with some clumsy, defensive half-joke about it not looking a whole lot like joy when his niece started weeping. But he brushed a hand through the air. “It’s good for her to see that people from a big city like New York can embrace her,” he said. “It makes life less scary.”

I knew he was sincere. But I still felt lousy. On a day when she was supposed to be having a good time, I’d made the kid cry.

It must have been half an hour later when her mother came up to me. “Can I talk to you a minute?” she said.

Of course, I told her, and felt a coil of tension in my chest, thinking I was about to hear it, bracing for her rebuke.

“I don’t know what you said to my daughter,” she said, “But whatever it was, I want to thank you. It meant a lot to her.”

I exhaled from my toes up. My relief was tidal. At that instant, I probably couldn’t have recalled my words to the girl for a million dollars. I was just glad I hadn’t hurt her and blemished her memories of the day.

I thought of that girl in the Stadium’s press box later on, faced with the reporter’s vocal denunciation of HOPE Week. For me, it is the perfect fusing of corporate philanthropy and public relations, and what makes it so perfect is that it is honest and heartfelt. Everyone involved benefits. The superstars and bright lights, as one alumnus told me, are part of what make it special for the honorees. They can forever look back at the day as a shining moment of recognition and acceptance.

I didn’t have any issue with the reporter’s skepticism. It’s vital that people question what is presented to them. But he wasn’t asking anything. It was a one-sided tirade. He hadn’t known of the book I was working on when he launched into it, or been aware of my inside look at the planning sessions. When I told him, he just shrugged his dismissal. When I asked the basis of his opinion about HOPE Week, he offered nothing but a critical and personal assessment of an individual involved with it.

I’m not writing this to give vent to my thoughts on one person’s obduracy (I happen to like the reporter) or really even address a more general cynicism toward HOPE Week that arose from certain fan quarters this year. I just want to present a set of informed observations for those who might be interested. Skepticism should be a probative tool. A pick for extracting truth. When it instead becomes an impenetrable wall, then there’s barely any spitting distance to separate it from ignorance.

Nobody should tell you what’s straight or what’s crooked. But if we aren’t willing to look, weigh and measure before deciding it diminishes us as a society, and the main thing I’ve learned from four years of writing about HOPE Week is that open eyes – and, yes, hearts – can take us all to a better place together.

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Freddy Garcia Gives Reason to ‘Trust’ Him

Freddy Garcia had a lot on the line on Monday night in Tampa Bay in a crucial stretch for the Yankees, so it only made sense to do a retro recap of his first start since April.

“Dirty Dozen” is what the Daily News headline read on May 15, 2007. The Yankees were eight games out in the AL East and a 12-game stretch against the White Sox, Mets, Red Sox and Angels was said to be the defining moment of the season. Either the Yankees were going to climb out of their 17-20 hole, or Joe Torre’s job was going to be seriously questioned following two straight ALDS exits and whatever happened in the strike-shortened season of 2004 in which there were no playoffs.

Mike Lupica wrote a column that day that called for that headline. In it he talked to Brian Cashman about the state of the Yankees and whether or not an aura still surrounded the team. The Yankees’ answered Lupica’s question and the Daily News’ headline by going 4-8 over the 12 games and sat at 21-27 after the four series.

At the end of that season, the 12-game stretch – that I took as a set of 12 one-game playoffs because the Daily News made it seem like that – ended up being just part of a bad stretch to begin a 94-win season. The 2007 Yankees proved that it’s hard to distinguish the key moment in a season or the turning point of a season when the season is still going on. But this hasn’t stopped us from pulling out parts of the season and deeming them more important than other parts.

I first saw the week of July 2 the day the Yankees’ 2012 schedule came out: seven games on the road against Tampa Bay and Boston to finish the first half. Up until last Wednesday at around 11 a.m. I viewed this week as a chance for the Yankees to separate themselves even more than they already have in the division and possibly take themselves out of the one-game playoff scenario before the All-Star Game. (Crazy, right? A wise coach one said, “It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big.” Yes, that coach was Coach Reilly in The Mighty Ducks.”)

But on Wednesday at around 11 a.m. CC Sabathia hit the disabled list with a low-grade groin strain. About three hours after that Andy Pettitte’s ankle was broken by a line drive. About 31 hours after that, Joe Girardi managed the Yankees to a loss to the White Sox despite having a two-run lead entering the ninth. About 21 hours after that, Adam Warren making his major league debut in place of CC Sabathia blew a 4-0 first-inning lead and put 10 men on base in 2 1/3 innings as the Yankees allowed 14 runs (the most runs they have allowed this year) to the White Sox. The idea of trying to create even more separation in the division suddenly became a mission to just hold down the fort (a favorite Brian Cashman saying) until CC returns.

The biggest problem, aside from losing CC and Andy, became the idea that Freddy Garcia would rejoin the rotation for the first time since a disastrous April that has to make April 2009 Chien-Ming Wang and April 2011 Phil Hughes not feel so bad about their places in history. In four starts, Garcia put together this line: 13.2 IP, 25 H, 20 R, 19 ER, 5 BB, 11 K, 3 HR, 12.51 ERA, 2.195 WHIP. Who would want the owner of those numbers to take the ball every fifth day for them? More importantly, who would want the owner of those numbers to take the ball in Tampa Bay and then in Boston in his first two starts since being removed from the rotation? Not me.

Monday night marked an important game for the Yankees because it would start this seven-game finish to the first half against the team’s two direct threats, and it would be the debut of the return of Freddy “The Chief” Garcia. With such a significant game and start, I decided to watch Garcia’s outing and write down my thoughts during his innings of work for a retro recap. Here’s what happened.

First Inning
Freddy Garcia has a two-run lead to work with thanks to a four-hit first inning from the offense. Let’s see if he can do the opposite of what Adam Warren did with an early lead. I’m setting the over/under on innings at 4 2/3, hits at seven and wild pitches at two.

Garcia gets things going with an 88-mph fastball called strike to Desmond Jennings. Some velocity from The Chief!

Garcia gets a little bit of luck (no, not the Lotto guy) as Jennings hits a grounder up the middle and Garcia goes for it, but it deflects off his glove and to Robinson Cano for the first out. If that gets through then Jennings is off and running, and this might be Adam Warren Friday Night 2.0.

No one ever wants to see Josh Hamilton or Jose Bautista or Albert Pujols up against them, but to me, Carlos Pena falls into that same category even if his numbers don’t match up. I felt like the Charlestown Chiefs locker room when they found out Ogie Ogilthorpe was suspended when Pena moved to the NL Central last year. And I felt like the Charlestown Chiefs lineup when they saw Ogilthorpe skate out for introductions when Pena signed with the Rays and returned to the AL East this year.

Garcia gets Pena to 2-2 and then tries to paint the inside corner with a 90-mph fastball that looked like the signature Bartolo Colon two-strike pitch to lefties. The count runs full, but Pena flies out to center for the second out.

Ah, B.J. Upton … yet another guy that most fan bases wouldn’t understand why I don’t want to see him up against the Yankees.

Ken Singleton tells us that Upton is currently 3-for-41, and Lou Piniella says, “Upton should be more consistent than he is.” Everyone always say that Upton has all the potential in the world and should be one of the best players in the league. Upton will be 28 next month, so at what point do we stop thinking he is going to be a perennial All-Star and do we just accept the type of player that he is? I know the 2008 ALCS is a reason to believe that he can be one of the premier players in the game, but as a career .255 hitter, who hasn’t hit over .243 since 2008, he needs to start showing it.

Upton flies out to right field on a great diving catch by Nick Swisher (see, I can give Swisher credit when he deserves it) to end the inning.

After a 1-2-3, 14-pitch first inning from Garcia, I’m really too scared to comment on his performance or his stuff at this point. Why break up a good thing?

Second Inning
Jeff Keppinger replaces Hideki Matsui to lead off the second inning, as Matsui injured himself running after a Derek Jeter foul ball. I used to always think the Yankees were overreacting when they wouldn’t let Matsui play the outfield in 2009, and I thought it was a non-story when people were surprised that he was allowed to play it with the Angels in 2010 and the A’s in 2011. But I guess there’s a reason why Matsui is supposed to only be a DH at this point and not playing right field on turf.

Keppinger drills the first pitch (a fastball down the middle) to left field for a leadoff single and the first hit off Garcia. There goes the perfect game.

Ben Zobrist cranks a 1-2 pitch down the right-field line and it looks like it’s going to be a two-run home run, but it misses the foul pole by a few feet and now I have to erase the “Ladies and gentlemen, Freddy Garcia” tweet I had started typing. I only got as far as “Ladies and gentlem” before the ball went foul.

Zobrist hits a rocket to the gap, but Swisher gets there for the first out. (It’s probably not good when you’re worried about your right fielder making every catch.)

Luke Scott comes to the plate, and if you’re going to have the facial hair design that Scott has you better be an unbelievable hitter. Because if you’re going to go to the plate looking like that and the big screen in the outfield shows that you’re hitting .207 and Ken Singleton tells us that you are in a for 1-for-30 slide then you might want to think about toning the look down.

Scott hits a line drive, but right to Mark Teixeira who steps on first for a double play to end the inning.

Luck has certainly been on Garcia’s side so far. How does that saying go? It’s better to be lucky than good? I think Garcia would sign up for that since no one knows if he’s even good anymore.

An 11-pitch second inning and Garcia has faced the minimum.

Third Inning
Jose Lobaton flies to right on a 1-2 slider to start things off.

Here’s Will Rhymes, who I have never liked from his days with the Tigers, and really for no specific reason. But if that feeling is triggered then he must have done something against the Yankees in the last two years.

Rhymes singles to left on a 1-1 curveball from Garcia and the Rays have their second baserunner.

Elliot Johnson pops out to A-Rod and Garcia is one out away from three scoreless innings. If you had told me before the game that Garcia would pitch three scoreless innings, I would have laughed at you then cried tears of joy when I realized you weren’t kidding and then hugged you to make sure the world wasn’t going to end. We’re one out away from me hugging you anyway.

Jennings grounds out for the second time on 1-2 slider to second. Garcia throws just 13 pitches in the inning and is at a very economical 38 through three. He’s expected to throw between 65 and 70 for the game.

Fourth Inning
Garcia strikes out Pena to lead off the fourth inning, for his first strikeout of the game, and it’s always good to see Pena go down swinging (this time on a slider).

Just as I’m about to type a B.J. Upton joke, he hits a first-pitch slider for a solo home run to left field to cut the Yankees’ lead to 2-1. Upton had been 3-for-42, and just like most players who are slumping, the Yankees are always there to right the ship.

Keppinger goes down swinging and Zobrist grounds out to second to end the inning. A 14-pitch inning and Garcia is at 52.

One run through four innings isn’t bad for Garcia. Actually it’s unbelievable. I would have signed up for three runs in four innings from Garcia and that’s a 6.75 ERA. So, one run in four innings? This feels like watching Cliff Lee pitch for your team in the playoffs, which sadly I have never experienced.

Fifth Inning
Here comes Luke Scott again. Scott usually kills the Yankees and since Upton was in a 3-for-42 slump and then homered, I’m expecting some sort of dagger from Scott here now that he’s 1-for-31.

Garcia falls behind him 3-1, and if Scott sees that “fastball” we could have a tie game here.

A 3-1 slider gets Scott to pop out to A-Rod in foul territory and there’s one down in the inning. A 3-1 pitch from Garcia in April meant an extra-base hit so there’s clearly progress here.

Lobaton goes down looking on a slider for the second out. This game feels too easy. A Freddy Garcia start in 2012 is supposed to be painful and agonizing to watch, but this feels like a Sabathia or Pettitte start. It can’t keep up this way, can it?

Even though Garcia is cruising, this game won’t erase my fear of him starting in Fenway Park again this weekend. Speaking of which, there are four games in three days at Fenway Park. The over/under on hours of baseball is 18, and total runs is 44. I’m going to take the over on both and might even parlay them.

The pesky Will Rhymes singles on a line drive to center field to keep the inning alive, and he’s now 2-for-2 tonight.

Garcia bounces back to strike out Johnson swinging on yet another slider. Garcia has allowed one run on four hits through five innings. Is this real life? Seriously, is this real life? This Garcia start has been so good that I’m too scared to tweet during it because it feels like a perfect game. Yes, four baserunners feels like a perfect game.

Sixth Inning
Garcia is supposed to throw 65 to 70 pitches in this start and he will start the sixth inning at 69 pitches against the top of the order. I’m not sure if he’s batter to batter at this point with Joe Girardi, but you can’t blame Girardi for leaving him in the way he has looked.

Desmond Jennings grounds out on the first pitch (an 87-mph fastball) from Garcia, and there’s one down.

So, remember before when I said how Carols Pena is in the elite class of opposing hitters that scare me? Well, that’s why. Pena hits a 2-1 slider out of the park to tie the game on Garcia’s 74th pitch. Again, you can’t blame Girardi for leaving him, but there certainly are questions as to why Garcia was left in if his maximum pitch count was 70 pitches. And where are the two lefties in the bullpen to face Pena? That’s not me asking these questions of Girardi. That’s just me saying there are potential questions. I’m calm. Everything is fine.

Here comes Girardi to take out Garcia as he signals for the righty, Cody Eppley.

The Yankees would go on to take a 3-2 lead only to blow that lead as well and wind up losing 4-3 after David Robertson couldn’t get a big out and Mark Teixeira couldn’t field a ground ball for their eighth loss in a row at Tropicana Field.

As for Garcia it was obviously his best start of the year. The Chief showed that his thoughts about him lacking arm strength in April were accurate and he finished with the following line: 5.1 IP, 5 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 0 BB, 4 K, 2 HR. He proved that he still has some 2011 left in him and that he can be trusted to fill the void left by Pettitte. Well, maybe “trusted” is too strong of a word. I probably shouldn’t throw a word like that around so carelessly until we see what he does this weekend at Fenway.

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Bouncing Around Boston with the Bleacher Creatures

Sheriff Tom and the Bleacher Creatures have made a lot of trips to Boston to see the Yankees and Red Sox over the years, but they haven’t always made it into Fenway Park for the game.

Some Yankees fans long to go to Fenway Park and never do. Others make a pilgrimage and speak in reverent tones of days of yore in golf voices as they gaze in awe at the Green Monster. Others win contests and go on someone else’s dime. Then there are people like me, who leave the comfy confines of Section 39 in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, armed with beer and bluster, and go up there and annoy all these other people.

I made my first storied excursion to that baseballian wonderland in 1996. We Yankees fans were about to become even more overbearing to our friends up north with all those rings coming up on the docket, so to get in some practice for this inevitability I headed to Boston with bleacher cronies Big Tone Capone, who currently holds a position of note in the New York media world, and George, who was burdened with two of the worst bleacher nicknames ever bestowed on a person. (Big Nose George for … well … moving on … and before that the “Little Drummer Boy” which came from the mouth of John Sterling on the air from George’s annoying habit of banging on the bleachers with giveaway bats until threats from both security and annoyed fans around him mercifully ended the practice.)

If you travel with the Creatures long enough, a bad sketch comedy show will begin.  Hopelessly lost in the area as we tried to find a spot to park for the day, George pulled alongside a cop directing traffic on those interminable roads around Fenway. Down rolled the window, and he asked to be pointed towards a comfy parking spot near Fenway as Capone and I scrambled to hide our open containers. The cop started blathering away, culminating in a “You make a left when you come to the fahk in the road.” George’s eyebrows shot up at this and he giggled like a girl, raised his hand as if to make a point, and blurted, “You mean there are two people f-cking in the road up there?” Capone and I looked at one another and rolled our cloudy eyes. The cop, no longer amused, simply answered, “Move along, buddy.” George rolled off, bemused, until we patiently explained there is such a thing as a “fahk” in the road – otherwise pronounced outside of Boston as “fork.” The reason George couldn’t comprehend this was he had actually never heard the term “fork in the road before.” For the next 10 minutes we, and a healthy chunk of Boston, had to deal with George yelling out the window asking where he could find the “f-ck in the road.”

I have only scattered memories of this venture. No scorecard survived in my stash of 600-plus messy scorecards preserved from my decade or so of scribing this stuff. We spent some pregame time in a park, tossing a ball around. Where we got a ball and how we found a park is beyond the likes of me. At one point (and whenever Capone and I are deep into our cups this tale comes back up, so it will live as long as us) out of the woods burst an old lady dressed head to toe in white – her hair was a ghostly grey and she looked like a gargoyle off a stone wall. We stood agape as she spun around and danced to no music. After a minute or so she promptly disappeared back into the woods. Whether it was a ghost, or an old lady, or some sort of hallucinogen, it was still pretty freakin’ cool.

Capone was bounding up and down the thoroughfares, armed with a “Boston Sucks” T-shirt in hand, waving it like a flag until a tourist trolley would come around and then he would promptly hold it out for display, as people shook their heads in disgust. The shirt also dangled over highway overpasses, in restaurant windows and in front of a church. We proudly stood in front of the Yankees’ hotel as Capone stood like a sentry holding up his shirt, as if they didn’t already know Boston sucked.

Soon after we entered this hotel, which was attached to a mall. Our intention was to stalk the mall and let Capone hold up his shirt some more. Obviously we had beer, so we parked ourselves in the lobby to finish them off before entering the mall, and here comes Bernie Williams, strolling around the other side of the lobby. Recognizing us from all the pregame hobnobbing we would do when they still sold beer in the bleachers, so that we would be inside for batting practice, his face lit up. “Don’t you guys have jobs?” Bernie asked. We all chucked in uncomfortable fashion, wished him well, and he was gone as mysteriously as the crone of the woods.

My first impressions of Fenway Park? From outside it looked nondescript. At the time I was shopping in porno stores that had nicer outdoor facades. I grumbled about the grass poking through the cracks in the sidewalk, even though I was used to stumbling into and out of potholes right outside our beloved Yankee Stadium. The greens on the wall were more reminiscent of bile than lush greenery. The seats were rickety and cramped, and there were poles in the way. But, all this said, we knew the history there, and we respected that. Though, at the same time, we were sort of pissing all over it.

At one point during the game a beefy guy in front of us noted Capone’s New York Rangers shirt and asked if he liked hockey, which when you think about it was a brilliant question. After it was established that yes, the guy in the Rangers shirt liked hockey, the drunk mentioned his friend played hockey, and was quite accomplished to boot. He looked back at us like a puppy wanting a treat, waiting for us to ask who the hell his friend was. Losing patience fast, we asked, and he beamed and said with a flourish as if he was a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, “Scott Lachance!” Capone promptly choked on his beer and hooted, “Scott Lachance of the Islanders? He sucks!” Meanwhile, Scott Lachance was sitting in the row in front of us and two seats to the left with his drunken friend, and he shook his head in dismay.

Ah, the game! The Yankees lost 12-11, which was bad enough. They blew an 11-9 lead in the ninth after they had come back from a 9-7 deficit in the top of the ninth, which was worse. As you can imagine, when the Yankees took that ninth-inning lead, we were full of vigor and mirth, and not making many friends with our particular brand of hoot and holler. And, as you can further imagine, after the Red Sox stormed back and pretty much told us all to put it back in our pants, our night was done and we were showered in a potent mix of mock.

Our good friend John Wetteland was the catalyst for disaster, serving up three hits with a side of two walks, to plate three runs, in 2/3 of an inning. The legendary Vaughn Eshelman got the win that night to pour salt in the wound. Other interesting asides included a home run from clod Jose Canseco for Boston, another by Mariano Duncan for the good guys, a pinch-hitting appearance by Mike Aldrete and Wade Boggs swiping his first bag on the year. It was also yet another “near” four-hour affair for these two clubs, clocking in at 3:58. Upon further review, I see that this win put Boston a solid 15 games behind the Yankees in the division hunt. Good job, way to go, fellas!

There was a sad side note to the trip on that 17th day of July back in 1996. We had flipped on 770-WABC for the postgame, which was coming in clear up the East Coast, only to have Curtis Sliwa break in with the news that TWA Flight 800 had gone down off the coast of Long Island. We pretty much rode the rest of the way home in silence, which may have been a first and a last for the three of us.

A few years later someone was daft enough to rent a bus for a Creature trip to Boston. At this time we were the scourges of, well, everywhere. Baltimore politicos were publicly imploring locals not to sell those damn Yankees fans their extra ducats, and even our kindly friends up north in Toronto had tired of us by then after a series of road trips gone awry. I hopped on board for this one and drank all the way up. Hell, I even drank on the way to where we were meeting the bus for the ride up! I was quite the cock of the walk by the time we rolled into Beantown.

All went well until we were approaching the gate for entry into the storied park. I’m a noted critic of lines. I don’t’ like them, and usually make that point known while I’m in them, which endears me to few. I successfully handed off my ticket, which was an accomplishment in itself, considering how much I had to drink. Then I subjected myself to someone rummaging through my nifty vinyl Yankees giveaway duffle bag. Why I had a bag with me is beyond comprehension since all I really needed was my scorecard to make messy notes on that no one (including me) could read later. After my bag was checked I moved on my way. Well, four feet anyway. I was then stopped to have my bag checked again, and this flustered me to no end. Of course the easy thing to do would have been to open the bag, chuckle, and ruminate how this was already done while it was being done again. The proverbial no harm, no foul. I tended to veer left when a simple right turn would do. I balked about this transgression, insinuating it was an outrage, and that I was being discriminated against because I was decked in Yankees gear with a spiffy vinyl bag with a Yankees logo on it. No Boston fan would suffer such an indignity! I was causing quite the scene, which by then I was used to.

Someone in a position to make my life miserable walked over to find out what was going on. I continued my harangue until I was asked to leave. At this point I realized I might have flubbed. My apology was ignored. My initial attempt at begging was scoffed at. As I was led to the door I saw some fellow Creatures not only heading in, but trying to hide behind Boston fans to avoid getting involved in my plight. Once I was back at the exit reality sank in and I started playing the sympathy card to the police officer, who by now had walked over with a smile on his face. He was obviously a man of action and here was some to be had in spades.

“I spent hours on a bus to get here,” I pointed out. “Hope it had a nice bathroom,” the cop retorted. “My wife is inside,” I lied, as I not only didn’t have a wife, but I could not even keep a girlfriend. “I hope she has a good time,” the officer said, openly smirking now.

It was time to break out the big guns. “Well, I’m Sheriff Tom,” I said, pointing at the plastic toy badge on my T-shirt that proclaimed this very thing. “Yes,” he said, “and I’m Officer Clancy. It’s been nice meeting you. Now move along.” Between this and the “fahk in the road” incident I realized Boston cops liked telling people to move along.

He ushered me back outside, and as I muttered something under my breath that sort of sounded like, “I’ll just go in at another gate,” he proclaimed, “Oh, by the way, if I see you coming in another gate, you’re going to jail.” He then backed up, looked at me with a grin, proud of his work, and ambled off, whistling a happy tune. I was stuck outside.

What to do, what to do? First, I called the only Creature inside whose number I had in my phone: the infamous Bad Mouth Larry. After interminable rings, I got his voicemail. Totally befuddled as to why he wouldn’t pick up, I left a message explaining I was stuck outside, had no idea how I would find the group or bus after the game, and to send help. I slumped against the wall, cursing my fate. I tried Larry again, got the machine again, and by now I was speaking in more clipped and grumpy tones.

This went on for another half-hour, and another five or six calls. Each message on his machine from me grew louder and angrier. Passersby stopped to watch me bark into the phone, and it only stopped after I dropped my phone on the sidewalk and broke it. Oh, and why wasn’t Larry answering my cries for help? Because I was calling his home phone the whole time! He wasn’t home. He was inside Fenway Park. About 15 hours later, when he got home and checked his answering machine, he had quite the laugh.

And what became of me? I meandered like Moses. I sampled those Boston bars everyone kept talking about, and you know what? For all the crap Boston fans take, I saw none of it that day. I was lauded like a conquering hero. My sob story, as only I could tell it, with curse words sprinkled within and accompanied by funny pantomimes (you should have seen me act out how I dropped and broke my phone) got me free drinks.

We talked baseball. We talked road trips. We talked women! I invited them back to the bleachers, where I promised to guarantee them a hassle-free time, and lots of laughs to boot. Who doesn’t like lots of laughs?  Little did I tell them I had no say in the “hassle-free time” and even if I did, peer pressure would have gotten to me once they were inside Yankee Stadium and I would have turned on them and gave them crap. But for that night, we were cordial enemies, sharing ale, talking ball, singing along to the jukebox, and making fun of the Mets.

The game ended and in a panic I stumbled right into the group and the bus. I guess the story would have been more interesting if I got stuck in Boston, but that’s a story for another day and another venue. As for the game? I have no freakin’ idea. I don’t even remember what year this was.

There are more Boston trips mixed in from over the years. There was the time I saw vocalist Dickie Barrett of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones in a McDonald’s somewhere by Fenway. I looked at him, and he looked away (I was always good at that). This has since become the impetus for my “Dickie Barrett ordering a double cheeseburger at McDonald’s” impression, which has never gotten me anywhere or anything.

There was the time I was spent an overnight outside Fenway in a play for tickets for the next day with bleacher fixtures Justin and Grover, watching as a fan climbed up a pole in an effort to make “YAWKEY WAY” read “YANKEE WAY” with some stickers he brought along for this sole purpose.

And of course there was the time where a group of Creatures were whooping it up over dinner at a sports bar when someone hollered, “Hey, its Kenny Anderson!” and as I turned to look, my drunk ass tipped over the chair, and Kenny Anderson – otherwise busy that week in the NBA playoffs for the Celtics – had to save me from crashing to the floor. Not everyone can say Kenny Anderson saved them from falling out of a chair because they were drunk. (And I don’t even like basketball, so he was pretty much wasting his time.)

Finally there was the Boston trip, which ended with me somehow losing all of my money, staring at an empty wallet in absolute befuddlement. (I have no conscious memory of being robbed, but who knows with me.) So not only did I need to bum a good meal off of Justin at a Cracker Barrel on the way home, I had the balls to hit him up for another $16 on the way out the door so I could buy a harmonica out of their gift shop. Hey, it came with a book on how to play it! To show that most stories have a happy ending, I still have that harmonica … though I never did learn how to play it.

So yeah, I have memories surrounding the Yankees from out and about Fenway Park. Sure, they don’t involve Munson crashing into Fisk, Jim Rice going down on strikes with the bases loaded, or even a Yankees win, but they sure were fun. I have seen the Yankees beat Boston plenty of times right here at home. That certainly counts for something.

One day I’m sure I’ll make it back up to Boston, but this time I’ll have my wife and daughter with me, and the stories won’t have such an element of danger. But for now you can leave me with my memories with the Bleacher Creatures on the road to Boston, and I’m a happy man.

Cheers and beers … “Boston Sucks!”

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