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Tag: Jacoby Ellsbury

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Yankees-Red Sox Rivalry Back in Boston

The first meaningful Yankees-Red Sox series in Boston in over a year calls for an email exchange with Mike Hurley.

It’s July 19 and the Yankees are in Boston for the first time this season for Games 96, 97 and 98. So good job, MLB schedulers! You nailed this one!

But it’s not only the first time the Yankees are in Boston for the first time this season, it’s all the first time a Yankees-Red Sox series in Boston has meant something since July 2012 and you can argue it’s been longer than that. And with a Yankees-Red Sox series comes the mandatory email exchange with Mike Hurley from CBS Boston.

Keefe: Is that you? Is that really you, Mike Hurley? (Or Michael F. Hurley as your Twitter handle suggests.) It’s been a while. Actually it’s been a really long time. It’s been two months to the day since we last did one of these. Back then the Rangers and Bruins were about to start their Eastern Conference semifinals series, the Knicks were about to play Game 5 against the Pacers and the Yankees had a one-game lead in the AL East. Since then, the Rangers were embarrassed by the Bruins in five games, the Knicks were eliminated two nights later and the Yankees are now six games out of first place in the AL East. So things have been going great over the last 61 days! Thanks for asking!

But I’m not emailing you to rehash what happened to the Rangers against the Bruins and I’m certainly not emailing you to talk about basketball. That leaves us with baseball where the Makeshift Yankees have put together a run to be proud of when you consider Lyle Overbay, Vernon Wells, Travis Hafner, Luis Cruz, Alberto Gonzalez, Chris Stewart, Austin Romine, Zoilo Almonte.

This winter, even without A-Rod, it looked like the Yankees lineup would look something like this:

Derek Jeter, SS
Ichiro Suzuki, RF
Robinson Cano, 2B
Mark Teixeira, 1B
Curtis Granderson, LF
Kevin Youkilis, 3B
Travis Hafner, DH
Francisco Cervelli,
Brett Gardner, CF

But that has been the lineup for zero games this season. Instead here is a list of the players that have the most plate appearances for each position:

C – Chris Stewart
1B – Lyle Overbay
2B – Robinson Cano
3B – David Adams
SS – Jayson Nix
LF – Vernon Wells
CF – Brett Gardner
RF – Ichiro Suzuki
DH – Travis Hafner

And here are the other players that have gotten at least one at-bat with the Yankees:

Brennan Boesch, Ben Francisco, Luis Cruz, Reid Brignac, Chris Nelson, Alberto Gonzalez, Thomas Neal, Corban Joseph and Travis Ishikawa.

I didn’t even put Eduardo Nunez, Zoilo Almonte or Austin Romine on that list because they represent the top-tier of Makeshift Yankees.

But don’t worry, I’m doing fine! Everything’s going well!

How’s your summer?

Hurley: Hey, Thomas Neal is a friend of mine, good guy, we used to work the Saturday night shift at the liquor store down the street. I’m glad to see he made the Yankees this year. Good for him.

My summer? My summer is confusing. I didn’t think the Red Sox were going to be terrible this year, but I definitely didn’t expect them to sit 58-39 at the all-star break, looking like a legitimate playoff team. In April, I hardly gave it much attention, figuring they’d level out at some point. Yet they rebounded from a .500 May to maintain their spot in first place for months. It makes no sense, really.

Consider that through 97 games, the Red Sox have 58 wins. Through the same number of games in 2007, when they were the best team in baseball, they had the exact same record — 58-39. Um, huh?

It’s been pretty impressive, and frankly it’s giving this summer an unexpected boost. I was sort of anticipating a mediocre Red Sox team playing out the string, waiting for a decent but not great Patriots team to kick off their season in September. Instead, thinking about the playoffs is something that non-crazy people are allowed to do. And, the general population still hasn’t caught on, so tickets are still easy to come by for most games. Pretty cool if you ask me.

Hold on, I’ll be right back. Corban Joseph just showed up at my door with my pizza.

Keefe: I hope you tipped him well.

In the offseason, we laughed about the Red Sox rotation after Jon Lester citing Ryan Dempster pitching in the AL, Clay Buchholz’s constant injuries and decline in results over the last few seasons, John Lackey’s awfulness and Felix Doubront being in experienced.

Despite the Red Sox’ record, we weren’t that far off.

Jon Lester hasn’t been good (and hasn’t been since pre-2011 collapse). Ryan Dempster has pitched the way everyone thought “Ryan Dempster in the AL” would pitch. Clay Buchholz got off to an All-Star start, but hasn’t started since June 8. That leaves us with John Lackey, who is having his best season since 2007 and has actually been better than that and Felix Doubront, who has been much better than last year, but hasn’t been anything special.

So if we weren’t that far off, how are the Red Sox in first place in the best division in baseball?

Hurley: Despite you saying so (based on nothing except for your desire to just say it), we actually were pretty far off.

If you can have just five guys make most of your starts, it means you’re in a pretty good spot. And the Red Sox have gotten 86 percent of their starts from those five guys. Buchholz was exceptional for two months, and John Lackey has defied all odds by losing 300 pounds and pitching well, but the rotation as a whole has just simply been consistent and better than you want to give them credit for. The starters’ 3.82 ERA is the second-best mark in the AL, and they’ve gotten 582.1 innings out of their starters, just 3.1 innings fewer than league-leading Detroit. Boston’s starters are second in the AL in strikeouts, too, with Dempster — Dempster! — leading the way with 104 and Lester just behind with 103.

I get your confusion, because when you look at the guys individually, it doesn’t look good. Lester is 8-6 with a 4.58 ERA, Dempster is 5-8 with a 4.24, and Buchholz has joined the witness protection program because — 🙁 — his neck is sore. But collectively, they’ve done the work necessary to keep the Red Sox in just about every game they play. And when you lead all of baseball in runs scored by a huge margin, it always makes the pitching staff look a little bit better.

Keefe: I know that hockey season in Boston just ended like 15 minutes ago and you have a terrible memory anyway, so we’ll let it go, but we did talk about it.

After the magical month that was September 2011, I was treated to the hire of Bobby Valentine and everything that came with the 2012 Boston Red Sox and hoped it would last a lifetime. But here we are at the All-Star break and the Red Sox are right back to where they were in August 2011 thanks to being able to dump their trash on the Dodgers by throwing Snickers wrappers and newspapers and spray painting “The Red Sox were here.” If that trade in August 2012 doesn’t happen, we’re probably still talking about Josh Beckett’s off days and Adrian Gonzalez’s lack of accountability for anything. Instead the Red Sox are in first place and it’s like they got a mulligan for all of their bad decisions and were freed of their clubhouse cancers. It’s bullshit.

Did that trade change the Red Sox back to their pre-September 2011 ways or are guys just performing better after the atrocity that was last season?

Hurley: Are you saying that the Red Sox f’d the Dodgers’ whole a-hole up? That’s a bold call, Larry.

That ridiculously lopsided trade was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen. Everyone — locally in L.A. and nationally in places like SportsCenter and Sports Illustrated — rushed to praise the Dodgers for “proving they were committed to winning!” Meanwhile, everyone in Boston was just like, “Wait, for real? What’s the catch? Don’t those people know that Josh Beckett is just the worrrrssssttt???

But that’s not the only reason the Red Sox are playing so much better. It cannot be overstated how much of a poison Bobby Valentine was to this team. From everything I’ve heard from behind the scenes, the guy was every bit the clown he looked to be publicly and then some. Publicly, we got little snippets of it, like the time he didn’t know whether the opposing starter was a righty or lefty and had to be told by Jarrod Saltalamacchia that the lineup was wrong. Stuff like that was a common occurrence with that goober in charge, and frankly I’m a little surprised the athletic department of Sacred Heart hasn’t completely crumbled yet.

So getting rid of him was huge in that players’ spirits weren’t completely broken down upon their arrival at the ballpark every night. Ben Cherington, who’s still hard to really read or evaluate to this point, also made a few small but key additions. Shane Victorino, much to my surprise, has been pretty awesome filling a spot in the top of the lineup that’s been vacant for years. Mike Napoli signed on for $39 million, only to be told his hip was so bad that he’d only be getting $5 million, and he’s been a pretty solid, reliable addition to the middle of the order, despite all the strikeouts.

Add in Ortiz, Pedroia and Ellsbury all pretty much playing like you’d expect them to, and it’s easy enough to see how it’s all working. The Dodgers, committed to winning, are one game under .500 since taking on all of the Red Sox’ dead weight. Thanks, L.A., you’re the best!

Keefe: Shane Victorino’s playing? And Mike Napoli? And David Ortiz? And Dustin Pedroia? And Jacoby Ellsbury? Wow, that must be nice. I guess you’re feeling the way I would feel if Derek Jeter, Mark Teixeira, Curtis Granderson, Alex Rodriguez, Kevin Youkilis and Francisco Cervelli (yes, Francisco Cervelli) were playing. But they’re not and we’re stuck with the names I gave you earlier.

Things aren’t getting any better either as Derek Jeter will start the second half on the disabled list retroactive to when he injured his quad in his first game back since the Game 1 of the ALCS. But A-Rod is coming back on Monday night in Texas, if he isn’t given a 150-game suspension or banned from the game Pete Rose style, so at least we’re getting back our 38-year-old $29 million singles hitter!

The weird thing is I still believe in the Yankees. Not the Makeshift Yankees. But the real Yankees, when and if they ever come back. I think it’s a miracle this team has the record it does and is in the position its in despite having everyone short of you playing for them this season.

If I believe in the 51-44 Yankees who are six games back in the division then you must really believe in the Red Sox for the first time in 23 months. Do you believe in the Red Sox or do you miss the days of 2012 when Bobby Valentine was being praised for building a fence, fans were wearing paper bags over their heads and tickets to Fenway Park cost less than a single T Fare?

Hurley: It’s weird here. On the one hand, seeing this team compete like this has been a pretty fun, refreshing change of pace. Don’t get me wrong, last year was hilarious, and it was fun to watch, but only in the way watching awful reality television is entertaining. (Speaking of which, I can’t believe Bob Valentine doesn’t have his own reality show.) This year’s team has done enough to prove to me that they’re for real.

The problem with the Red Sox is, like you, I’m not counting out the Yankees, and you can’t count out the Orioles or the Rays. All of this positivity for the Red Sox could end up leaving them at the end of the season with the same playoff prospects as last year. It’s a pretty ridiculous race in the AL East right now, but hey, thank goodness some crappy team from the NL West will by default be given a free pass to the divisional round while a much more qualified team in the AL East (or perhaps two teams) will be forced to put its season on the line in a three-hour exhibition that will wipe out the work done over the previous six months! Wahoo!

With the reality of a one-game playoff, how can you ever feel good about your team’s chances when it’s involved in a tight divisional race? An idiot umpire could botch an infield-fly call and allow a team that won six fewer games than you to advance to the divisional round while you go home for the winter.

I guess my point is that baseball is stupid.

Keefe: You still haven’t come around on the one-game playoff? OK, good because I haven’t either and I never will. But don’t forget what everyone says: Just win your division! It’s that easy!

I guess my optimism for the Yankees comes from the fact they still play the Red Sox 12 times, the Rays nine times and the Orioles seven times. And let’s not forget the Yankees have three games with the Padres and close the season with a three-game series in Houston. So if the season comes down to the final weekend, I will feel good knowing that the Yankees will play the Astros, but I will be worried about my emotional state if the Astros keep the Yankees out of the playoffs. Let’s hope the season doesn’t come down to the final three games.

As for this weekend, we get Andy Pettitte-Felix Doubront, Hiroki Kuroda-John Lackey and CC Sabathia-Jon Lester. So that means the Pettitte-Doubront game will be the 2-1 pitching duel and the Sunday Night Baseball matchup will be the 14-12, six-hour affair that leaves you owing all of next weekend to your wife for staying up until 2 a.m. to watch baseball on Sunday night and being too tired to do anything on Monday after work.

The Yankees are still very much alive, but they need to start putting together series wins like they did in April and May. What better place to start doing that than this weekend in Boston?

Hurley: D will be asleep before first pitch, because she’s better at life than you and I.

This is a fun series, though. For the first time in a while, I’m really excited about a series in Boston. I kind of feel like baseball’s back, though I do have this sort of guarded position. When things were as bad as they were last year, it still feels like this whole “winning” thing is a mirage. At the same time, if the Red Sox sweep the Yankees this weekend and crush your soul, I might be fully on board.

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Is This Real Life?: The Kevin Youkilis Story

Kevin Youkilis is a Yankee. Yes, this is real life.

The first column I wrote for WFAN.com was on Feb. 1, 2010 and it was titled “I’m Going To Miss Johnny Damon.” This past August I wrote a column titled “I Forgive Derek Lowe.” Prior to Game 4 of the ALCS, I was using Curt Schilling’s “Why not us?” slogan and after the Yankees’ season ended following that Game 4, I was tweeting about wanting David Ortiz on the Yankees. Here we are a few months later and I’m writing about how ecstatic I am that the Yankees signed Kevin Youkilis. There’s an 18-year-old, freshman-in-college version of myself from 2004 that’s looking at the 26-year-old 2012 version of me with the same blank stare I looked at the TV in my Somerset Street dorm in Boston when Johnny Damon hit that first-pitch grand slam off Javier Vazquez in Game 7. If you find me writing about wanting the Yankees to make a deal for Josh Beckett prior to the 2013 trade deadline, please one-punch or bottle me. (I know frenemy Mike Hurley is looking for a reason to do either, so you might have to get in line to land the punch to my jaw or break the bottle over my head.)

Yes, it’s real life that Kevin Youkilis is now a Yankee (pending a physical), but the question posed in the title is asking how I could have not only wanted this man on the Yankees, but how I could now be ready to pull for this guy and participate in “KEV-IN” chants for Roll Call and be a fan of the man that I have spent nearly a decade hating.

For three years I have written an All-Animosity Team though I have kept one in my head for a lot longer than three years. In 2010, Youkilis was the first baseman for the team and in 2011 he was the third baseman, and if it weren’t for the existence of Beckett, Youkilis would have been the face of the All-Animosity franchise. It would have been Youkilis and not Beckett on the signs outside the All-Animosity stadium and on the All-Animosity tickets and on the cover of the All-Animosity media guide, and it would have been Youkilis’ jersey that all the kids would be wearing to the All-Animosity Team’s games. But unfortunately for Kevin Youkilis, and really for all of us, Josh Beckett is who he is.

Here’s what I wrote about Youkilis for the first All-Animosity Team on WFAN.com on April 16, 2010.

First base: Kevin Youkilis plays the game hard, and he is the textbook example for a guy you’d love on your team, but hate to see playing against your team. His entire look, demeanor, unorthodox batting stance and approach to the game is worth despising, and that’s before you factor in his .317 career average against the Yankees. Youkilis has taken over as the most feared hitter in the Red Sox lineup, becoming one of the toughest outs in baseball, and therefore my disgust with him has grown ten fold.

And here’s what I wrote about Youkilis for the second All-Animosity Team for WFAN.com on April 8, 2011.

Third Base: I don’t think I need to explain why Kevin Youkilis is still here. Just focus on him for 30 seconds during a Yankees-Red Sox game and you’ll understand.

Youkilis didn’t make the roster in 2012 because I created the team on June 6 rather than in April like the previous two years and the day I wrote it, Youkilis had played in just 31 games and was hitting .236/.315/.382 with four home runs and 12 RBIs. His Red Sox career had started making its way toward the exit with Bobby Valentine as his escort and the timing for my writing and Youkilis’ season couldn’t have been worse for his bid at three straight teams. Even without cracking the All-Animosity roster, Youkilis still made the column. Here’s what I wrote about Youkilis on June 6.

Kevin Youkilis is the only player to make the All-Animosity Team at two different positions. This will likely be written on his All-Animosity Hall of Fame plaque.

There will be a fourth All-Animosity Team during the 2013 season, but Youkilis won’t be a part of it. And for as weird as this is for me and I’m assuming all Yankee fans, Youkilis has to be weirded out, skeptical, uncertain and worried about all of this and putting on the pinstripes as well like Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) handing his passport to the U.S. customs official at the end of Inception.

The first time the Yankees visited Fenway Park in 2009, I was still living in Boston and I decided to spend a ridiculous amount of money that I couldn’t afford to spend to sit behind home plate for the Friday, April 24 night game. Up until that night when I sat behind home I had really own seen disastrous, heart-breaking games for the Yankees in Fenway. Here are some of them.

May 18, 1999 – Joe Torre returns to the Yankees after missing the beginning of the season to battle prostate cancer. David Cone and Pedro Martinez go toe-to-toe, but trailing 3-2 late, Jason Grimsley can’t keep it close as he gives up three runs in the bottom of the eighth.

April 16, 2004 – In the first meeting of the season, Javier Vazquez gives up two home runs in the first inning and three total as the Yankees are shut down by Tim Wakefield over seven innings. Oh yeah, Kenny Lofton led off for the Yankees. He went 0-for-5.

Oct 18, 2004 – Game 5 of the 2004 ALCS, which also happens to be the third-worst night of my life. The second being Game 6 and the first being Game 7.

April 14, 2005 – Randy Johnson gets lit up for five runs and Tom Gordon turns a 5-5 tie into an 8-5 loss with an embarrassing eighth inning. And to top it all off, Gary Sheffield brawls with some fans in right field.

May 1, 2006 – Johnny Damon returns to Boston as Friendly Fenway’s center field gets littered with money. Tied 3-3 in the eighth, Tanyon Sturtze gives up the go-ahead run. With two men on and David Ortiz due up, Joe Torre calls for the Mike Myers, the lefty specialist and the man the Yankees acquired for the sole purpose of facing Ortiz. Ortiz cranks a three-run home run into the New England night.

April 22, 2007 – After losing the first two games of the series, the Yankees take a 3-0 lead in the rubber match on Sunday Night Baseball. But after holding the Red Sox scoreless for the first two innings, rookie Chase Wright allows Manny Ramirez, J.D. Drew, Mike Lowell and Jason Varitek to go back-to-back-to-back-to-back on him to take a 4-3 lead. The Yankees would take the lead back in the sixth only to have Scott Proctor give up a three-run home run to Lowell in the seventh.

Looking back, I don’t think I had ever seen the Yankees win at Fenway Park entering the 2009 season. And that streak didn’t end right away either. That Friday night when I spent money I couldn’t afford to spend, I watched the worst game in Fenway since Oct. 18, 2004.

The Yankees led 4-2 in the ninth with two outs and Mariano Rivera on the mound and Kevin Youkilis on first base. Jason Bay swung at a 1-0 pitch from number 42 and it landed over the wall in straightaway center at Fenway. I knew the Yankees weren’t going to win that game, but I stayed to watch the horror unfold in extra innings.

Sure enough, in the 11th inning Damaso Marte’s left arm grooved the most hittable pitch in major league history right down the middle for Kevin Youkilis and when Youkilis made contact, I knew the ball wasn’t going to land in Fenway and I wasn’t sure if it was even going to land at all. I’m still not sure it ever landed. If it did, it probably ended up in the living room of a Newbury Street apartment. And to top things off, I lost my ID and wasn’t able to go to a bar and drink my sorrows away.

I didn’t go to Fenway for the Saturday afternoon game the following day, which might have been my best decision of 2009 (besides missing the Opening Day disaster at the Stadium). Why was it such a good decision? Well, the Yankees held a 6-0 lead in the fourth inning before A.J. Burnett showed us for the first time just who A.J. Burnett could be as he gave up a grand slam to Jason Varitek (no, that’s not a typo) as part of the eight runs he would allow over his final two innings of work. The Yankees lost 16-11.

But I did go to Fenway the next night for Sunday Night Baseball and my streak continued when Andy Pettitte fell apart in the fifth inning and with Jacoby Ellsbury on third base and David Ortiz on second, after doubling in the go-ahead run, Pettitte allowed Ellsbury to steal home on him. I watched the whole thing happen in slow motion from my seat on the first-base line.

Nearly two months later, I watched the Yankees lose again at Fenway. It was June 10 and Chien-Ming Wang continued the worst season ever and was relieved by Phil Hughes, which ended up being a move and decision that would save the Yankees’ season.

If you don’t remember, the Yankees opened 0-8 against the Red Sox in 2009. This came following a year in which the Yankees missed the playoffs for the first time since 1993 and the Red Sox had come within one win of their second straight World Series appearance and third since the Yankees had last reached the Series in 2003. The Red Sox had developed players the way the Yankees used to and it seemed like maybe I would be on the other end of nearly a century of losing. Sure, none of this happened, but on June 11, 2009 when the Yankees were 0-8 against the Red Sox (despite being 34-18 against everyone else) it seemed like a real possibility. It seemed like a real possibility in the same way as October 2006 when the Mets might become the more successful New York baseball team and in 2009 and 2010 when it seemed like the Jets would become the more successful New York football team. Again, none of this happened. Thankfully.

Kevin Youkilis represented change in the shift of power in the AL East, the way Frank Lucas represented a shift of power in the heroin game in New York City. And when I think of Youkilis and Pedroia and Ellsbury and how I felt in the middle of 2009 before they were swept by the Angels and before they didn’t reach the playoffs in 2010, 2011 or 2012, I can’t help, but think about the exchange between Frank Lucas (Denzel Washington) and Richie Roberts (Russell Crowe) at the end of American Gangster.

Richie: The only thing they hate more than you is what you represent.

Frank: I don’t represent nothing.

Richie: You don’t? Black businessman like you? Of course you do. But once you’re gone, things can return to normal.

I had grown accustomed to the Red Sox being so bad for so long that their success from 2003 through 2008 and their finding new ways to embarrass the Yankees early in 2009 kept me up at night. With John Henry tweeting about The Curse of Mark Teixeira, it was impossible to not look at Youkilis and Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia and Jon Lester and wonder how long this would continue or if it would ever end and if things would ever return to normal.

I said back in August that “Derek Lowe on the Yankees puts a little dent into what happened on those four nights. No, it doesn’t erase it because nothing ever will, but it helps to cope with what happened. Johnny Damon shaving his head and pointing during Roll Call and becoming a Red Sox killer and stealing third base against the Phillies and getting doused in champagne in the Yankees clubhouse put a massive dent in it.” Youkilis and David Ortiz had been the only remaining pieces of the 2004 team as of last year, even if Youkilis played as much of a role in the ’04 postseason (0-for-2 with a strikeout) as me. But what Youkilis did for the Red Sox from 2006 on and how big of a role he played in changing the culture of who the Red Sox became (not so much anymore) and what they represent (also, not so much anymore) means a dent right around the size of Damon’s.

I have always hated the “YOUUUUUUUUUK!” cheers as much as I have hated “Sweet Caroline” and the way I hated Jonathan Papelbon pounding the bullpen police officer before running to the mound. But once upon a time I also hated Johnny Damon and Derek Lowe. I have spent the last nine summers hating Kevin Youkilis, but I will spend this summer pulling for those nine-pitch at-bats that result in a double in the gap the way they tortured me for so many years. So I guess there’s only one thing to do.

“YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!” Welcome to New York. Just don’t ask for number 20.

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Yankees and Red Sox Headed in Different Directions

The Yankees and Red Sox meet in the Bronx this weekend for a three-game series and even though it’s meaningless, it calls for an email exchange with Mike Hurley.

When I first looked at the 2012 Yankees schedule I thought this weekend’s series would be crucial in determining  who would win the division and who would try their luck in Bud Selig’s one-game playoff. But this series isn’t crucial, and it’s weird that the Yankees and Red Sox will meet with 13 games separating them in the loss column. I said it’s “weird,” I didn’t say it’s “bad.”

With the Yankees and Red Sox meeting set for three games in the Bronx I sent Mike Hurley the mandatory email to let him know that the baseball season is still going on. I’m surprised he replied.

Keefe: I made the subject of the initial email I sent to you “Yacht Party” hoping that you would think it was an invitation from John Henry to join him on his yacht to bring up team morale for the Red Sox. That is what the ownership group in Boston does when things are going poorly at this time of the year, right?

This is our first email exchange since July 6, but we also did a podcast on July 27. Neither time did we actually talk about the actual games or the series, and neither time did you have any Yankees-related questions for me. Instead we spent thousands of words and 34 minutes and two seconds of a podcast talking about the issues surrounding the Red Sox. Now that things are even worse than they were the last two times we talked, why would we change what’s working?

I’m not sure where Jeff Passan ranks on my list of heroes, but he’s definitely in the conversation. After the John Lackey double-fisting story there seemed to be a lull for a day or two with the Red Sox’ clubhouse drama, which was unusual for the the last 11 months and I started to wonder if that would be it for the backstabbing and anonymous sources until the end of the season when there is likely to be even more. Then Jeff Passan comes along and blows away every other Red Sox storyline since the fried chicken and beer stories became public last fall.

There’s just so much in Passan’s story that I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like a five-year-old staring at a mountain of Christmas presents and having no clue which one to open first. I know you’re supposed to save the biggest gift for last, but eff that. Let’s start with the guy who I thought was invincible in Boston. (Then again, I thought Tim Thomas was invincible in Boston a year ago.)

With David Ortiz out of the lineup, and talking about his contract and calling Boston a sh-thole when he’s in the lineup, and Kevin Youkilis now playing for the other Sox, Dustin Pedroia is currently the only player you could consider the face of the Red Sox, but it seems like that idea is slowly fading.

Pedroia was outed by Passan as co-chair of the Anti-Bobby Valentine Club along with Adrian Gonzalez (don’t worry we’ll get to the defending AL Player of the Week) and it was the first time I can remember where Pedroia came out as a bad guy in his major league career. Of course with the release of this story I listened to Boston sports radio and callers were, for likely the first time in history, going against Pedroia and even saying he needs to go.

While it seems like nearly all of Boston despises Bobby V, is it possible that Pedroia and Gonzalez are starting to make Bobby V a sympathetic figure?

Hurley: It was incredible the other day when irate fans were calling in to 98.5 The Sports Hub and saying they were no longer going to wear their Pedroia jerseys. One guy even said his son’s favorite player was Pedroia but he’s no longer allowed to wear his Pedroia shirt. That may be more indicative of his overbearing parenting tactics than the overall feeling of the fan base, but it gives you an indication of how things are going around here.

The thing with this is that it’s just so complicated and there are so many layers to it, it’s really hard to unravel all the way to try to gain some real understanding and generate some valid opinions. I mean, take Pedroia for example. The guy plays his ass off every night, so there’s no problems with him on the field (though he might want to hit .300 before he stages a mutiny). And he took a team-friendly deal long before free agency, definitely passing up big bucks in doing so (he makes $8 million this year). He truly appears to be playing the game for the right reasons, and that’s respectable.

On the other hand, he gets paid $8 million to play baseball, so he should probably just stick to playing baseball. Unless Bob Valentine was peeing in Dusty’s locker and leaving old deli meats to bake in the sun on Pedroia’s dashboard, his situation can’t be so bad that he needs to lead the charge to get the manager fired. I absolutely believe Passan’s story 100 percent and I don’t believe one word that’s come out of Pedroia, Gonzalez, Valentine or most of all ownership since the story broke. It happened, and they’re embarrassed, as they should be.

In the long run, I don’t think Pedroia will be painted in a negative light for a very long time. For one, he’s going to outlast Valentine. Hell, this email exchange may outlast Valentine. And he’s not going to change on the field, which ultimately is why people like baseball players to begin with. I think. I really don’t know anymore.

And um. Did you say Adrian Gonzalez is the defending AL Player of the Week? I believe you mean defending AL Co-Player of the Week. He still was given a free watch, though. I’m really happy for him. That’s two free watches this year!

Keefe: Gonzalez has made out pretty nice since arriving in Boston. So far he has received a $154-million contract extension and has now earned a pair of watches. Who cares that he was part of the worst September collapse in history last year or that he won’t play in a postseason game this year? I certainly don’t.

I have waited for the day that Boston would turn on Pedroia, and I never thought it would come because who thought it could get this bad? If this thing can reach Pedroia and force Boston parents to not allow their children to wear his jersey, just how much worse can it get it? I have an answer: much worse.

Larry Lucchino defended Bobby Valentine on WEEI on Thursday and said that he would not be fired this season. But if you believe what Larry Lucchino says then you probably believe the one-game playoff is good for baseball. Bobby Valentine is going to get fired for this season because the Red Sox ownership might be out of touch with what goes on with their team now that all of their attention is focused on soccer, but they aren’t that out of touch to see the empty seats at Fenway and the way their investment in perceived throughout the city and in the media. There is no way they can go into 2013 with this team led by this man.

While things were bad last September under Terry Francona, things didn’t really come out until the season was over and Francona was gone, so he never had to manage with the media and public being in on the toxicity of the clubhouse. Valentine has had control of the team through the entire aftermath of last September and whether or not injuries are responsible for this season, he has done nothing to prove he is the type of leader that can change things. (This is also why I hope he doesn’t get fired and continues to set the Red Sox back years.) So whether he gets fired at Yankee Stadium this weekend or the following week or on Sept. 6 (my pick in the Bobby V Firing Pool) or at the end of the season, he’s going to get fired for what’s happened this year.

The one thing we knew and have been reminded about Bobby V is that he has a big mouth and will say anything and everything to anyone at anytime. (That felt a little Michael Scott-esque.) And when Bobby V gets fired it’s all going to come out. Anything that will put the players and the ownership group in a negative light will reach the media, and the Red Sox will respond with a Nomar/Manny/Francona-like slandering of Valentine. It’s going to be glorious.

When Bobby Valentine gets fired, the Red Sox and their fans are going to long for the days of fried chicken and beer and Jeff Passan.

Hurley: The way you can write for days without actually asking a question is truly impressive. Bravo.

Valentine is very much like Michael Scott in terms of ineptitude, but the difference is that Michael Scott is likable. I really don’t see a reason to like Valentine. I don’t see any reason to like any 62-year-old man who goes by “Bobby.”

It’s going to be tough for Lucchino to fire Valentine, considering it was Lucchino who forced the hiring because BOBBY just had so much pep! He rides his bike around! He shoots from the hip! Ha! He’ll be a real hoot!!

So really Larry should fire himself before firing Valentine, but we all know that’s not going to happen.

And speaking of ownership, you might’ve missed the story from the Liverpool Echo this week, in which Henry blames Tom Hicks for all the team’s problems, even though Henry’s owned the team for two full years. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I’m not sure Henry can get his yacht over to England to pump up the players, but I don’t think his comments in the story are going to help.

Some highlights:

“The best analogy is that you can’t turn an ocean liner around like you can turn a speedboat.”

“We knew we could never be on an equal footing financially with the Yankees. But we had to do everything in our power to get on a level footing with them on the playing field. That was a tremendous challenge. You could say Liverpool is an even bigger challenge than the Red Sox.

“We came into this not knowing an awful lot about football,” he admitted.

Keefe: I think my biggest problem with Bobby isn’t that he’s called a baseball “genius” or that people think everything he does is calculated (if anything he shouldn’t want this reputation because why would you want to be perceived as calculated when you’re the manager of a horrible team), but it’s his smugness. Bobby always thinks he’s the smartest man in the room and carries this idea that he is better than everyone else. Just look at his responses to questions about the Passan story.

“Wow. Is that what was said, really? That’s what Dustin and Adrian said? It did say that? I didn’t hear that. I’m glad that July is over, because they’re still playing for me.”

And…

“I’m not going to comment on any stories because I don’t know what issues you might be referring to. Adrian’s issues? Dustin and I had a talk about a meeting I had. I don’t know if that was July.”

Let’s forget that Bobby Valentine shrugged off the meeting and pretended like it never happened even though Ben Cherington confirmed that the meeting take place. Let’s forget about that for a second and think about this: Is Jeff Passan going to publish a story to the fifth-biggest U.S. site (according to Quantcast) about a story he made up? Is he going to go out on a whim and create sources and guess that things happened just to draw attention to himself on a story that would be the most significant story regarding the Red Sox since Bob Hohler’s story? Apparently Pedroia and Gonzalez think so.

Dustin Pedroia: “I know we lost last year and we made huge signings and all kinds of stuff, but we’re trying to play the game the right way and have an organization that does things right, and just play winning baseball. It’s tough when all this stuff comes out, that everyone’s trying to get the manager fired. That’s not the case, man. I’ve never met the guy that wrote the story. That’s about it.”

Adrian Gonzalez: “The source is inaccurate. He says that I was animated and one of the most vocal guys in the meeting and that’s false. If somebody’s going to try to be an unnamed source, they better be right with what they say, because this is putting our integrity and everyone about us out there and that’s just unfair.”

I love the back and forth with the players and the media and the players just calling everyone liars when higher-ups are confirming things they are denying. And I love that the pitching staff is no longer the only focal point of this disaster, but now everyone is getting dragged into it.

Who looks the worst out of all of this? Ownership, Bobby, Pedroia or Gonzalez?

Hurley: Everyone. But if you don’t want me to take the easy way out, I’ll pick ownership.

They fired Terry Francona. They decided against letting Ben Cherington hire a baseball manager. They instead forced the hiring of a circus clown. They blamed Francona for the “culture” problem, yet they allowed Josh Beckett to give a middle finger to the media and fans when he refused to apologize for golfing while missing a start due to injury. They censored Valentine from even criticizing the player. They release BS statements via email, which speaks to their lack of accountability. Email! They give Beats by Dre headphones to players on a harbor cruise after the players complain the schedule is too grueling. They send promotional emails to tell ticket holders that everything’s OK and you should still come pay baseball’s highest ticket prices to watch “the cheerful Cody Ross” and the “inspiring Daniel Nava.”

Yes, Valentine is a goofball, and yes the players acted improperly and should feel some shame about it, but ultimately everything can be traced back to the culture fostered by ownership. They’ve acted as though they’re infallible in recent years, and it’s blown up in their face.

Keefe: I think your mention of Josh Beckett was the first mention of Josh Beckett in this exchange, which is pretty impressive because he had been the face of the September 2011-Present Red Sox, and it seems like the Passan story has put him in the background, which is a shame.

On Thursday you wrote in chronological order the turmoil that has surrounded the team since Opening Day. While all of the events have brought joy to my life I decided to pick out my five favorite moments from the list that aren’t the Passan story.

1. April 21: The Sox blow a 9-0 lead over the Yankees after five innings and eventually lose 15-9. Valentine calls it “rock bottom.”

2. May 4: Boston Globe investigates Fenway Park’s “sellout streak” and reveals it to be a “distribution streak” in which not every seat is sold.

3. May 6: In a 17-inning game against the Orioles, Adrian Gonzalez steps in to bat against designated hitter/first baseman Chris Davis, who was pitching in an emergency role. Gonzalez strikes out on three pitches. The Sox lose 9-6.

4. May 10: Josh Beckett allows 7 ER in 2.1 IP. He then refuses to apologize after the game for golfing while injured, and he delivers the now-infamous “we only get 18 off days a year” message. Also, a fan wearing a paper bag on his head becomes a national sensation as a representative of the Red Sox fan base.

5. June 21: David Ortiz says he’s not having fun and says Boston is “becoming to be the [expletive] hole that it used to be.”

You listed 29 events that make the Red Sox franchise look bad in the last four-plus months. 29! There’s still 47 days left in the season. This is only going to get better.

Which of these events is your favorite? (You can pick more than one if you want since it’s going to be hard to narrow it down.)

Hurley: I think my favorite was this one:

April 21: Red Sox acquire Marlon Byrd, who had been hitting .070 for the Cubs. He’d go on to hit .270 with the Red Sox before he was released in June, and he was later suspended for testing positive for PEDs.

What better describes the 2012 Red Sox than the acquisition of an .070 hitter from the NL Central?

I also liked this one:

April 25: Bobby Valentine admits that he didn’t know opposing pitcher Liam Hendriks was a righty, so he drew up his original lineup as though the pitcher was a lefty. Valentine said it was Jarrod Saltalamacchia who alerted him to the mistake.

I think overall, from a pure in-game management, standpoint, Valentine has done a pretty good job. But he was flat-out awful in April. He was so clueless. This was the perfect encapsulation of that.

This one was pretty good, too:

June 3: Daniel Bard lasts just 1.2 innings in Toronto, in which he allowed five earned runs while hitting two batters and walking six. He’s yet to return to the big leagues.

That’s just funny. Go Red Sox.

Keefe: I would like to thank your Red Sox for beating the Orioles on Thursday night and keeping the Yankees’ division lead at six games. Who would have thought that in the middle of August I would be rooting for the Red Sox to beat the Orioles to help the Yankees’ maintain their division lead? I’m just happy everything is playing out the way it is.

It sucks that this weekend’s series is meaningless. When I first looked at the schedule before the season I looked at this series, the mid-September series at Fenway and the last series of the season at the Stadium as the three most important series of the season. Now they are just a joke. The best part is that the ticket prices for those three September games at Fenway will only be about $8 each. I’m guessing there will empty rows and maybe even sections at Fenway for those three games, but Sam Kennedy won’t be counting those seats when he announces another sellout.

I get the feeling from this exchange that not only have you given up on the Red Sox, which you did weeks ago, but that you don’t even really like talking about them anymore. The Red Sox forced you to write about the Patriots’ first preseason game. I mean how much more sports deprived can someone get than not only watching preseason football with interest, but also feeling the need to write about it? I’m not even sure a “Sweet Caroline” sing along can fix where you’re at.

I wish I could say that I’m sorry to see you this down on your baseball team, but I can’t. All I can hope for at this point is that it continues through the final six weeks of the season and that Jeff Passan’s story was just the first of many to come out between now and Game 162.

Now that it’s over and it’s been accepted, what has to change this offseason and who’s out of Boston? (Even though it will never happen, I’ve been working to try to fit Dustin Pedroia into the Yankees infield.)

Hurley: You’re a bad person.

The whole area is much more excited about Patriots’ FAKE PRESEASON GAMES than real Red Sox games. That’s where we’re at here. I wrote a lot about that preseason game because there’s a team that will actually contend for a title this year and is run by competent people. It’s a lot more fun than writing about the Red Sox.

How do you fix the Red Sox? I don’t know. Like I said, the dysfunction starts at the top, so can you really fix it with a few simple moves?

You could start by empowering the GM to actually be the GM. That’d be a good start. Let him hire a baseball manager and not a dugout entertainer.

Ideally, you’d find a way to get rid of Beckett and Lackey, though even if you paid their entire contracts, would any team take them? If you were the GM of a team, would you take either one of those guys for free? I might take Beckett, but I’d have to think about it. For free! That’s a pretty bad situation.

You hold a meeting with the players in spring training and remind them that they’re employees. They should show up to work, play baseball, then go home, enjoy your time with your family, then come back to work the next day. You don’t get to have a say in how things are run, because things tend to unravel when that happens. (Note from Michael: This will never happen. Can you picture John Henry delivering this speech? Can you picture him even believing the message? Ha.)

You keep the lineup as is. They score plenty of runs and play pretty solid defense. As long as you can keep them in line, they’ll be fine. (Though you should maybe upgrade from Nick Punto. Just a thought.)

You let your new manager pick his staff. Do you know that the Red Sox coaches don’t talk to each other or to Valentine? In real life. It happens. So bring in a competent manager who will be able to pick competent coaches, people who can help Jon Lester get out of his funk, or can help Daniel Bard throw straight, who can help Jacoby Ellsbury find his power stroke, etc.

This team was the best team in baseball 12 months ago. At the end of August last year, with mostly the same guys, they were 83-52. This year, they’ll be lucky to be .500. They’ll be good enough to compete again next year so long as they open the wallet and take some steps to change the culture. I just don’t know if they can do that.

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My Favorite Things About the 2012 Red Sox

The Red Sox are at Yankee Stadium for the weekend, so let’s look at some of the things that make the 2012 Red Sox the disaster that they are.

I shouldn’t be writing a column about how much I hate the Red Sox and calling the AL East race over given my history with my enemy. But math says I can write it and get away with it. Here’s why.

The Yankees are 59-39. The Red Sox are 49-50. The Yankees have played .602 baseball. The Red Sox have played .495 baseball. If the Yankees play .602 baseball the rest of the way they will go 39-25 and finish the season at 98-64. That would mean the Red Sox would have to go 49-14 to tie them. But let’s say the Yankees, for some reason, play just .500 baseball the rest of the way, going 32-32 and finishing the season at 91-71. The Red Sox would have to go 42-21 to tie them, and the Orioles would have to go 39-24 and the Rays would have to go 40-23 and the Blue Jays would have to go 42-22 to catch the Yankees. One thing though: the Yankees aren’t going to play just .500 baseball the rest of the way.

So it’s time to tuck the 2012 Red Sox in and put them to bed when it comes to the division. We could probably turn out the lights on their wild-card aspirations as well. Yes, the Red Sox are only 4 1/2 games out of playing in a one-game playoff, but there are also seven teams ahead of them, and they are the last possible team with a shot because the Mariners, Royals and Twins are all 10 1/2 games out or more. So not only do the Red Sox need to play better than they have since the beginning of September 2011 (and nothing suggests they will), they need six teams from the list of the Angels, A’s, Tigers, Orioles, Rays, Indians and Blue Jays to play worse than them.

I never thought things could get any worse for the Red Sox than they were after the last game of last season. Who would have thought things could get worse than having the Boston Herald call you the “Best Team Ever” and NESN saying you are going to challenge the 1927 Yankees as the “Greatest Team in Major League History” before blowing a nine-game lead in September? And who would have thought things could get worse than having the best manager in franchise history “fired” and slandered on his way out and the general manager of the franchise’s turnaround leave to go work on another epic championship drought? Who would have thought that things could get worse than the owner of your team barging into the station of the city’s No. 1 afternoon drive show only to make a fool out of himself, leaving an endless supply of sound bytes and drops for that station for the rest of their existence? I never thought things could get worse for the Red Sox, but they have, and I can’t describe the amount of joy running through my body because of it.

Talking about this team is like reminiscing about my favorite parts of Dumb and Dumber with my friends. “Oh man, my favorite part was Harry’s face right before Joe is about to eat the burger!” “No, wait … my favorite part was when Lloyd gives Nicholas the IOUs!” “Actually my favorite part was when Lloyd is trying to read the newspaper!” “No, I take it back. My favorite part was when Lloyd tells Harry that he sold Petey!” When I talk about the 2012 Red Sox I get that excited. I can’t figure out if my favorite thing is that John Lackey is making $15.25 million this year to not pitch (and $15.25 million for each of the next two years to likely pitch poorly) or that Carl Crawford still has five years left on his $142 million deal after this season. Or it might be that Josh Beckett is hated by the entire city of Boston or that David Ortiz called Boston a “sh-thole” and openly complains about the contract he agreed to any chance he gets, but he still gets a standing ovation before each at-bat at Fenway.

Since the Red Sox are a train wreck that arrives in the Bronx this weekend for a series that could put the final dagger into the hearts of Boston baseball fans looking for something to fill the time between now and the Patriots’ Week 1 game, I decided to put together a list of some of my favorite things from my favorite figures that take the most blame from Red Sox, and therefore are my favorite Red Sox.

– “Bobby Valentine is a baseball genius.” That is what the public was told about him over and over during the winter and spring. Maybe he is. Maybe he has just been dealt a bad hand with a bad team. But I’m not sure the “genius” tag belongs to someone in charge of a 49-50 team on July 27.

Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t stand looking at Kevin Youkilis on the Red Sox, and I still can’t stand looking at him now that he’s on the White Sox. But I respected Youkilis and that he became a strong part of the rivalry and what made the rivalry special. And that’s why it was disgusting to watch him get removed for a pinch runner at Fenway while Bobby Valentine stood on the top step in the Red Sox dugout clapping for Youkilis, as if he were proud of him, and getting the rest of the team up to clap for him, and then pushing Youkilis out of the dugout for a curtain call. Was Bobby applauding in celebration of what Youkilis meant to the Red Sox in the pre-Bobby V era or was he applauding that he had won the war with Youkilis and he had finally got rid of him?

Joining Bobby V in the applause for Youkilis was Adrian Gonzalez. Gonzalez stood there clapping as the face of the future of the Red Sox with six more years left on his contract despite being the face of the new-look Red Sox that have failed to meet expectations.

I was petrified of Gonzalez joining the Red Sox last season and taking that swing to Fenway Park and to Yankee Stadium and the short porch for nine games a year. Now? I’m not exactly nervous about Gonzalez stepping into the box. Neither was Chris Davis.

Gonzalez (or “Gonzilla” as NESN once tried to dub him) blamed the Red Sox’ 2011 season on God and the national TV schedule. So who is he going to blame the 2012 season on? Bobby Valentine? Ben Cherington? Tim Thomas’ Facebook page?

– Carl Crawford plays left field, and when you play in left field you need to be able to throw the ball to the infield. The problem is Crawford’s playing with an elbow that will need to be surgically repaired sometime between now and next season, and he is unable to make all the throws. So what does that mean? Well, it means that the Red Sox are trying to find a way for the shortstop to help Crawford make the throws to the cutoff man less strenuous. You know, normal Major League Baseball problems. No big deal.

Crawford was one of my favorite non-Yankees, which I wrote about on Wednesday and there aren’t many of those. (Really he was before the Rays became a threat, so I’m talking about the 2002-2007 Carl Crawford). Once he became a Red Sox I despised him though I can’t stop thanking him for eating seven years and $142 million from the Red Sox, which will cost them the opportunity to re-sign Jacoby Ellsbury after next season. Maybe this is his way of paying me back for enjoying his play all of those years? Thanks, Carl!

– Josh Beckett has been the starting pitcher on my All-Animosity Team for three straight years, and I have only been making an All-Animosity Team for three years. And there’s a good chance that even when he doesn’t play baseball anymore he will still hold that spot because that’s how much I hate Josh Beckett.

Every start that Beckett goes out and loses means another day I can read negative stories about him, so for me it’s easy to root against him. You would think that it wouldn’t be as easy for fans of the team he plays for to root against him, but that’s not the case. Hey, at least Red Sox Nation and I can agree on one thing!

Beckett was the Pied Piper of the pitching staff with the beer drinking and fried chicken eating. He played golf despite missing a start due to injury and then told the media that he can do whatever he wants on his off day and that his off day is his off day even if it was his off day during a time when he missed a start. Before the season he put it out there that his wife and baby and his family were the most important thing to him, which is sensible, but is that a reason to not be good at your job? I think there might have been one or two other MLB players who were able to balance having a job for seven months a year and a family, but I could be wrong.

Part of me wants Beckett to get traded with the Red Sox forced to eat a large amount of his contract. But the other part of me wants him to stay with the Red Sox and continue to lose games for them. Really, it’s a win-win situation.

– Try to guess who these two pitchers are.

Pitcher A through 20 starts: 124.2 IP, 105 H, 64, R, 58 ER, 58 BB, 104 K, 17 HR, 4.19 ERA, 1.311 WHIP

Pitcher B through 20 starts: 120.1 IP, 138 H, 79 R, 73 ER, 38 BB, 100 K, 16 HR, 5.46 ERA, 1.462 WHIP

Pitcher A is A.J. Burnett in 2011 for the Yankees.

Pitcher B is Jon Lester in 2012 for the Red Sox.

Is there anyone in Boston giving Lester the “Ladies and gentlemen” treatment every fifth day?

There was a time when Jon Lester was the last pitcher I wanted to see against the Yankees. There was a time when you could have given me Justin Verlander or David Price or Roy Halladay against the Yankees or Jered Weaver or Cliff Lee … well no, not Cliff Lee … or James Shields or Felix Hernandez … actually don’t give me Felix Hernandez either. OK, so when you factor in Lee and Hernandez, there was a time when Lester was the third-to-last pitcher I wanted to see against the Yankees. That’s still pretty good. The point is that time is over. Right now I want the Yankees to face Jon Lester. I’m excited for Saturday’s game. I want Jon Lester on the mound at Yankee Stadium.

Dennis Eckersley has picked Lester to win the Cy Young seemingly every year for the last four years (though I can’t confirm that he did this year, but I’m just going off history). And while Eckersley might be the biggest homer on a network that also boasts Tom Caron and Jim Rice, it made sense to pick Lester in 2009, 2010 and even 2011. But after last season, he shouldn’t be a choice anymore. If Eck picks him in 2013 I think he might want to find a new job.

In spring training, Lester apologized for the chicken and beer in 2011. He has gone on the record several times to hold himself accountable for his 5-8 record and 5.46 ERA. It appears as though he genuinely cares about the winning, and that’s why it makes it even better that his name is being rumored as a potential trade chip. Please Ben Cherington, trade Jon Lester! Please!

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