NFL Week 9 Picks

I’m looking forward to football this Sunday because there’s no way the Giants can ruin it. They can’t put me in a bad mood or lose me any money. Life without the Giants is very appealing and after the last 25 Giants games, I’m beginning to think my life would be much better without the Giants in it period.

Detroit +6 over MINNESOTA
I’m an honorary Vikings fan for the rest of the season, just like I was last season. Brittni is a Vikings fan, so I’m forced to pull for them to some degree, and with the Giants playing for the No. 1 pick in 2019, it gives me something to care about.

The problem is Kirk Cousins is the Vikings quarterback and he sucks. He really, truly sucks. The best thing to ever happen to the Jets was that Cousins turned down their offer to sign with them and the Vikings gave him $95 million to possibly destroy their window of opportunity. The Vikings would be no different with Case Keenum still their quarterback, and I honestly think they would be better with him. They wouldn’t have had Cousins to single-handedly lose the Bills game and they wouldn’t have had him to give away the Saints game.

I knew Cousins sucked when in Week 17 in 2017, he had the ball with a chance to lead his team down the field against a Giants team that had already clinched and had nothing to play for and he was unable to. Right then, I knew that Cousins would never be anything more than an average quarterback, who will never win anything. So while I’m rooting for the Vikings to win the Super Bowl for Brittni, I know they have no chance with Cousins.

Pittsburgh +3 over BALTIMORE
I will never not take the points when these two teams meet in this era of their rivalry.

WASHINGTON -1.5 over Atlanta
A battle of two teams the Giants could have beat and didn’t. Neither team is very good, but I will never trust the Falcons in any game as long as Dan Quinn is their head coach. I would rather pick against him them and be wrong than pick for them and have Quinn call Julio Jones off the field in the red zone.

Tampa Bay +6 over CAROLINA
This pick is mostly about me wanting Ryan Fitzpatrick to completely take Jameis Winston’s job from him than it is me believing Fitzpatrick won’t go out and throw three first-half interceptions. Then again, if there’s any team I wouldn’t want to give six points with it’s the Panthers and their sporadic offense. Taking the points just makes the most sense here.

Kansas City -9 over CLEVELAND
I never understood how the Red Sox could watch Bobby Valentine on Sunday Night Baseball every week and decided to hire him as their manager. And I never understood how Browns ownership could watch Hard Knocks this season and not fire Hue Jackson and Todd Haley before the season even began.

Forget Jackson’s record with the Browns, which will stand for all of time because no organization will let a coach lose 15 games and then all 16 games and bring him back yet again. If you watched Jackson interact with his team and his coaching staff, you knew the Browns would never stop being the Browns with him as head coach. And if you watched Haley for five minutes on that show, you would question how he ever got a job in the NFL, let alone continue to get jobs in the NFL running offenses.

So now Baker Mayfield has been exposed to the real Browns in his second month in the league as they have fired the coach halfway through his rookie season. Normally, organizations pair a head coach with a young quarterback, but not the Browns. They retain the worst coach record-wise in NFL history and pair him with the No. 1 overall pick and then fire the head coach and name the most insane person to hold a coaching job in the league as their interim head coach. A person who was suspended for an entire season. I’m sure Mayfield enjoyed being the No. 1 pick, but he would have been better off falling in the first round.

MIAMI -3 over New York Jets
First, the Jets were going to use this season for Sam Darnold to gain experience, according to Jets fans. Then after their Week 1 win, they were maybe a wild-card team. Then after three straight losses, it was back to gaining experience. Then after beating the Broncos, it was back to the playoffs. Then after beating the Colts, it was possibly a division title. Then after losing to the Vikings and Bears, it was back to gaining experience.

This season was never about anything other than Darnold getting a full season under his belt so the front office could go out next spring and dominate the free-agent market with all of their cap space. Jets fans had their moments where they thought their team could sneak into the playoffs, but I’m glad they have come back to reality.

Chicago -10 over BUFFALO
It doesn’t matter if it’s Josh Allen or Nathan Peterman or Derek Anderson starting for the Bills, there’s no way I can justify backing them at any number. When you have thrown three touchdown passes in half a season in this version of the NFL where quarterbacks regularly throw four-plus touchdowns a game, there’s no line that would scare me off from going against the Bills.

Los Angeles Chargers 0 over SEATTLE
One day I will write about the Chargers and not have to delete “San Diego” and type “Los Angeles”. I don’t know when that day will be, but it will happen. It hasn’t happened yet for me and the Phoenix Arizona Coyotes either, but the same way I overcame the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, I will overcome this.

Houston 0 over DENVER
The Texans were supposed to be finished after the Giants beat them and the Giants were supposed to go on a run. Instead, since their Week 3 game, the Texans have gone 5-0 and the Giants have gone 0-5. The Texans are now in first place in the AFC South with Super Bowl aspirations in a week conference and the Giants are in last place in the NFC East with first overall pick aspirations in the 2019 draft. I didn’t see this coming.

NEW ORLEANS -2 over Los Angeles Rams
The Rams are the last undefeated team in the NFL, but they have been close to getting picked off for their first loss several times lately, and had Ty Montgomery stayed in the end zone last week, they might have lost to the Packers. The Saints are coming off an impressive win in Minnesota, which was their sixth straight this season, and the Superdome seems like an inevitable setting for the Rams to take their first L.

Green Bay +6 over NEW ENGLAND
The Packers went to the West Coast and came within an idiotic return of potentially knocking off the 8-0 Rams. Now they are getting six points on road against a lesser opponent? Am I missing something here? I realize it’s the Patriots and I realize the Tom Brady-Bill Belichick history and record at home, but this is still Aaron Rodgers. This isn’t Andrew Luck or the Dolphins we’re talking. This line seems way too high.

Tennessee +5 over DALLAS
Since the Giants have nothing to play for, there are very few things left for me to care about this football season. One of those things is the demise of the Cowboys under Jason Garrett. The Cowboys traded a first-round pick of Amari Cooper and nothing would make me happier than for Cooper to continue to be the bust he has always been. I desperately need this move to backfire and for the Cowboys to continue to be the poster team for mediocrity in the NFL.

Last week: 7-7-0
Season: 49-56-1